Hi Dear Ones:
I am here today in a really really good space. But I tell you it has not come easy. This past year has been so rough. I felt so broken that I wondered if I would ever repair.
Big things came at me hard this past year. My marriage went in a tailspin and I took on the role of homeschooling my special needs daughters.
Honestly as the marriage battle came at me I just wanted to throw up my hands and declare that's it. I am out! I reluctantly started counseling with no desire to even try any more and no hope that it was worth the time or the money. As time went on I began to think this is my last ditch effort to love my husband again but it has become so evident that where I really needed to start was with loving myself. Counseling is hard work.
Pastor spoke such an amazing word this past weekend titled "It Is What It Is But It's Not What It Seems." Part of his functional faith series. He talked about not living in denial or despair when it comes to your faith. "Both are fatal to faith."
He talked about your inner narrator. Mine has been so self deprecating and endlessly self degrading for as long as I can remember. As Pastor said, you become what you believe, and I am so over hating myself.
I fully believe the enemy wanted to destroy me and my marriage and my family this year and he came excruciatingly close. But you know what? It wasn't what it seemed. What was hideously broken is starting to heal. What had me bound is being set free. What was meant for evil God is without a doubt going to use for my good, and I would even dare to say for the good of others. Nothing will be wasted.
I am seeing myself in a new frame. The frame that God sees me in. A frame of beauty, love and purpose. The frame of Grace.
Life can be so incredibly messy but I want to encourage you if your in a tough spot or season to do the hard work. Go to counseling, get accountability partners, pray, cry, journal, listen to sermons. Do whatever it takes because the freedom and healing is worth it.
Tell the truth.... you don't have to live in denial. Face the facts. It is not easy. It is sometimes downright gut wrenching. But grace is beautiful. God's faithfulness is mind blowing. It is freeing.
The hard stuff for me it's not over but I have hope. And I even have something I could not even fathom when all the crap hit the fan. I have a dream. I wrote it down in my journal today and a spark of joy and excitement lit inside of me. I am not brave enough to share it with you yet. But I penned it because faith tells me this seed may just be an amazing tree someday.