Hello again Dear Ones:
I started out 2015 with an ache in my heart. This longing inside has been with me for as long as I can remember. It is a strong desire to feel significant. Like I matter. I make a difference. I feel so completely ordinary. Like there really isn't much sparkle to my life.
I have spent years of my life searching for my thing... you know that special something that makes me special.
I go to a church where talent abounds. I mean my pastor is a world renowned speaker and our worship leaders are known all over the world. Some of the most influential people in christian circles pass through the doors of Elevation church and then there is Michelle.
Michelle who only has a high school diploma. Michelle who is shy. Michelle who has broken areas in her heart and life. Michelle with no great skills or talents. Just Michelle.
So as 2015 started my feelings of insignificance have become an almost constant dialog with Jesus. Why am I here? What is my assignment Lord?
To be honest as the months have passed I have only become more and more frustrated with the question.
My marriage hit a spot that we could no longer cope on our own. Counseling has been necessary to help stop the bleeding. So I wasn't Michelle the awesome wife. My girls struggled so much in school that it became necessary to homeschool them. Something I never thought I would even consider. I felt completely inept to be Michelle the special needs homeschool mom. My business all though still going well did not fill up this black hole in my heart. So it was not Michelle is an awesome It Works distributor. Ache after ache after ache. Was I going to come to the end of the year and still wonder. Why am I here Lord?
All week long I had been following the devotions in the First 5 app by Proverbs 31 ministries. Today was a weekly wrap up and that ten minute video enthralled my heart. I just wept and what those women were sharing. Things like, "He Created everything by purpose, on purpose, for purpose. And Jesus who has always been created the stories that needed to be told so He created the objects and the participants to tell those stories. Lysa TerKeurst shared how God created us for intentional purposes to be a part of His story. She said things like Your exact form of beauty is a necessary contribution to His story. "There is no insignificant part of His creation." She talked about how out of all the possibilities that could have occurred from each of your parents DNA but how you were formed was a miracle. I started thinking about conception and how it takes place and I started to feel like a miracle. That if I am here living and breathing it must be for a purpose.
Lysa also shared how Divine appointments are not common place and how God chooses for his divinity to enter into our messy humanity. I mean that alone is pretty amazing. Because I don't know about you, but I'm a messy person.
I started to feel like I don't like how I'm looking at myself as just Michelle. I also started thinking maybe my assignment isn't so much about what I do but whose I am.
Maybe its not Michelle is an awesome ________ or Michelle does __________ awesome but rather simply Michelle is His.
Michelle is His wife of Eric
Michelle is His mom of 6 kids
Michelle is His blogger
Michelle is His business owner
Michelle is messy but she is His
So my prayers are going to change from What is my assignment? to What Divine appointments do you
have for me today, in the story you are writing Lord Jesus?
I'm thinking it's not so much what I do that shines or matters or makes a difference rather its Him in all of those things that does. Divine appointments. I think my assignment is divine appointments. To connect with those around me. Those who cross my path. At home. At church. In my neighborhood. In Business. In whatever situation he brings me to. And just as I am. Just Michelle. Miraculously created by Him for such a time as this. This point in History I get to be a part of His Story.
Father God plant this truth deep in my heart. I matter because I am your creation. Designed with purpose for a purpose. As Lysa said, I may not always see or even like my place in your story but give me eyes to see what assignment/ divine appointments you bring to me in each and every day you have me on this earth for. I am not just Michelle I am Yours.
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 New Living Translation