Good Morning Dear Ones:
I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day yesterday. For me it was one of the best I have had. I would love to share why with you.
To start out I am just going to lay myself bare and be vulnerable. The past month of my life has been a hard emotional wilderness. And I am exposing myself for one reason. And that reason is... Me too. My Pastor said recently that one of the best things you can say isn't you should but me too. Plus I think the enemy likes for us to isolate ourselves so he can destroy us from the inside out.
I have been married for 23, soon to be 24 years. Our marriage started out very rough. The first 4 years were Hell on earth and I am not exaggerating. As time went on we had good people and resources that were put into our life that took us from hating each other to actually being friends. Still throughout our marriage an ugly issue was threaded into our relationship. At times it was silent but at others it screamed. But even in the silence the brokenness was always there.
About a month ago the beast would not be silent anymore. The hideous screech was so deafening that I felt the brokenness would crack to the point of irreparable damages. How true is the saying that hurt people hurt people?
My only hope for relief felt like walking away. Ending it all. Including everything that was right and amazing. Thats how crippling and hopeless this situation had become. Not to mention just how angry and embarrassed I felt to be here again after 23 years.
I went into fix it, figure it out mode. I just wanted the bleeding to stop. I began to plan my life as a single mother of six. And to be honest, a part of me felt a huge relief at the prospect of just moving on alone.
Can I just tell you how faithful God is. We are part of a eGroup with out church. This is our community that makes a very big church feel small. This is who we do life with. But I could not even bring myself to be real with them. The shame and pain were just too great. But some reached out and decided to be louder than the beast. They provided a safe place to unmask the brokenness and hopelessness. They spoke truth and encouragement when I had hardened my heart and wasn't even seeking it. They lightened our load just so we could get our footing. And I know with all my heart, if they had not, I would be sitting in a very different position, then where I am at this morning. I sit here right now wiping away tears and blowing my nose with an enormous amount of gratitude that they loved us enough to hold us up. It brings me comfort and hope to know that we are not alone. I know they pray for us and I know they are in one way or another walking this muddy, rocky, and sometimes very hard to navigate road with us. Because of them I hear hope when all I heard was there wasn't any.
So how does this tie in with my Mother's day? Everything just left me feeling blemished. Marked with failure. Every single area of my life felt this way. My marriage, my parenting, my job, you name it. I felt anything but lovely. The words I heard and believed about myself became the new roar in my heart and mind.
I woke up yesterday and the chatterbox tapes were reeling in my mind. "Your kids forgot about you and no wonder they did because you suck. Look at the mess you are in. You are so insignificant and worthless."
Then my kids, my beautiful 60 little piggies grouped together and put a laptop in front of me. Instantly I burst into the ugliest cry of my life. They had made a little film for me where they used a little chalkboard and as worship music played they all came to a table to write words to describe My Mom is..... Words like beautiful, giving, best friend, intentional, a difference maker just kept flooding my eyes and heart. Every single malicious lie was being crushed before my very eyes.
Yes we are in a bit of a mess right now but my MESSiah can make a MESSage out of all of this. Words matter people. They carry the power of life and death. And yesterday my precious ninos filled my love tank with life.
Thank you Elijah, Noah, Zion, Canaan, Jubilee and Mercy for believing the best about me. For hushing the foul lies and for making this mama feel LOVED!
View their gift to me below: