Hello Dear Ones:
I hope all has been well with everyone since we last connected. I have been riding emotional waves. Sometimes I feel like I am soaring on a crest and then other times the waves break and I feel crushed by the waters weight.
Since we moved to Charlotte, more often than not, I have felt lost in the undercurrent of life. The atmosphere of transition has many times swallowed me up.
In this tempest I have battled a wreckage of my passions in life. Especially when it has come to my parenting. My oldest son has felt lost to some degree. After graduating high school and moving to a new state he has really struggled finding his assignment in our new surroundings. My 13 year old has been hit hard too. Uprooting him has brought many tears and lots of stress. My daughters although in a delightfully wonderful school, where they have been loved on well, due to their permanent brain damage from Fetal alcohol syndrome, have made very slow progress. The further they go along in school the more apparent their delays become. The one son who has found his niche in life since moving here is a complete delight to watch but has also come with adjustments to our relationship. Lets just say I genuinely delight in watching his purpose unfold and I also really miss him.
The winds of adjustment have slammed into me from every direction. I have felt subpar at best and truthfully like a Mom fiasco. I didn't like my assignment as Mom any more because I have felt my performance has suffered and even more so what to do in each situation has felt like such a mystery. How do I help one find their calling? How do I help another adapt well? How do I help something that is completely out of my control and has life long consequences and feels too big for me?
My assignment in life just started to feel too hard. So I began to desire a new assignment. I just wanted to find something I could feel passionate about again. So I began dreaming about an assignment in my church. I love my church so much and I just wanted to have a part to play in it. I began to pray for doors of opportunity to open for me. I just felt so desperate to wake up excited about my life again. To feel good at something and have some significance and purpose.
In the midst of this a decision about the girls education needed to be made. The one thing I knew for sure was public school would not be an option. So it was continue with private school or homeschool. Their school is such a sweet place but after meetings and prayer we came to the conclusion to homeschool them so they could learn at their own pace, according to their ability and not their age. I have peace about this decision but it also made me feel depressed. It wasn't the answer or assignment I was looking or hoping for. I kind of felt stuck in a life sentence to be honest. But as my husband graciously reminded me. Our kids are our first priority.
This morning my time with Jesus included the Greater Devotional. The segment today was titled Obedience and Opportunity, and the verse of the day was this:
"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Luke 16:10
Here are the excerpts that spoke to me and my circumstances the most:
"Many people want God to first give them great opportunities so they can display great obedience. But often until then they won't be obedient with what they've already been given."
This question was asked; "Are you less faithful in your present responsibilities than you could be? That hit me hard. You see I have succumbed to my discouragement. I have just been getting through with the bare minimum. Rather than using what I had to give with what I have already been given and then offering a "and them some" mentality. I had "stopped at adequate rather than going all the way to exceptional."
"God won't give you more to do for Him until you do what He's already given you to do. So stop praying for a life of impact and do something as impactful as you can. Stop praying for a bigger platform and use the one you've been given. Stop praying for a better assignment and pour more passion into the one you have."
"Obedience creates opportunity not the other way around."
"Do something right now with what you have and watch the miraculous power of God multiply what you have. Be obedient with what God has given you, and He will give you more to be obedient with."
I read those words and I had my assurance. My path was clear. I knew what I am to do next. So I recommit today, to be faithful from now on, with whatever task He puts before me. I am ready to see His miraculous power multiply. God is so faithful....even when we are faithless.
Here is to a renewed passion as I walk in obedience with the assignment he has given me, and with an expectant heart to what He will continue to put in my path to be obedient with.