Have you ever had a bout with doubt? For me I have certain triggers that can send me into a nosedive.
A couple of weeks ago that trigger was pulled and my descent was put into motion.
It's a doomed, stuck feeling. I have been angry, frustrated, and despondent. You know the times when something comes at you so hard and you see what you are really made of and you don't like what you see.
I don't know about you but during attacks like this God and I are on screaming terms. Rattled is a good description. Questions, hesitation, uncertainty, distrust and disbelief don't just knock on the door....they come at you with tsunami force.
It is effortless to misjudge your attacker. Pain is blinding. It is hard to see past it. Whatever is in front of you is magnified.
I have been in a pit and doubt has slammed me hard.
I decided tonight after everyone went to bed and the house was quiet and no one needed anything from me to spend some time screaming so to speak with Jesus. I was reluctant to dive in, mostly because I have been so angry that I didn't have much confidence there was a remedy for my state of mind.
So I had my bible laid out, my journal ready, but still was putting the effort off.
I decided to stall and check instagram and the first photo in my feed was this:
And here was the caption: "The enemy inserts a question mark, creates subtle doubt, and begins to multiply it... Know your enemy."
The hardness in my heart began to corrode. Once again God met this mess right where she was at. He is so faithful and I am so foolish. You would think by now I would have learned this.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12
Father God I am sorry. I'm sorry for allowing doubt and suspicion to slither in. I'm wounded, weak and broken right now so I ask that you open my eyes. Help me recognize and fight my true enemy. I need to know my enemy but more importantly help me know and trust my Savior.