Thursday, October 25, 2012

I Swerved

Good Morning Dear Ones:

Let me begin ethis post by asking for prayer for my husband. He is in Charlotte today ZZl' b gfhaving foot surgery done to remove a bone that only 2 percent of people have that has been causing him pain for well over a year now. Of course we want him home safe with a full recovery so he can get back to himself soon.

Then I want to share with you just how God has been speaking to me. Some friends and I are going through Lysa Terkeurst Bible study "UNGLUED ~ Making wise choices in the midst of raw emotions." Once again God has brought something to me that has divine perfect timing.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most challenging we have ever had with the girls. We are on our second medication since the last one. The first one we tried was horrific. Mercy screamed unconsolably for four hours until almost midnight one night then woke up screaming again at 5 a.m. This coming on after both the girls literally were awake for 48 hours coming off the old medication, left us empty.

I did come unglued. I was furious to see what was happening to our girls. I yelled and screamed myself. Right at God. Literally waving my fist in the air in complete exhaustion and frustration. I cried the shoulder heaving cry. You know the kind that leaves you looking like you have Garfield the cat eyes when you wake up the next morning. Yeah it wasn't pretty.

Then comes the guilt. The guilt that comes from knowing that I swerved. When circumstances came at me hard and I didn't stand firm. Doubt didn't creep into my heart it bombarded it.

I kept thinking where is God's glory in all of this? How is He for me and not against me in all of this? What future and hope do my girls really have? Really? Is faith really just something you use to psych yourself out of reality?

I was broken and empty.

A quote from this weeks homework struck my wounded soul.

"And empty women, oh how we come unglued. Especially when the empty settles into the part of our souls where unmet desires restlessly wait. And in the dark corner, desperation churns for what could be but isn't, and what we want but still don't have."

I long for my sweet chocolattes to be redeemed from what their birth mother inflicted upon them. I long for them to learn. I long for them to be able to eat normally, sit normally, focus normally, speak normally, make friends, fit in, bring joy to others,  and one day for them to know Jesus and serve him, while living successful adult lives. I long to not only love them but to like them more. Don't get me wrong they have very endearing aspects of who they are. Mercy can smile and laugh and melt you to pieces with her cuteness and Jubilee is such a love bug. But the scales are tipped right now with all the behavior issues.

God brought this scripture verse back to the forefront:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Lysa also said this, "He goes deep like the ocean. He stretches wide like the sky. He reaches out like the sun. Even when our tears slip, we know his hand never does." Oh how I needed to read that.

Elevation church in Charlotte has a worship song called "Give Me Faith." Let me share some of the beautiful words with you this morning:

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life

All I am
I surrender

Give Me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to Pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak
Your spirit strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will

So yes I swerved and yes my flesh failed. But in my best "Jesus take the wheel" voice I tell you I am swerving back. Thank you Jesus that you never fail. Help me to not give up and to see the harvest.

God knows my unmet desires and why they mean so much to me. May I desire Him even more and May he give me an unswerving faith.

photo credit: Phillie Casablanca via photopin cc

Monday, October 22, 2012

I'm Down

Dear Ones:

I am down today. My hope-o-meter is low. After my last post about problems with the girls medications things have gone from bad to worse. They were literally awake for 48 hours coming off the other medication. Once we got to a new base line the Dr. wanted to try another stimulant medication even though I told her that with the other stimulants there was only bad side effects and results. She said there was nothing else to try non-stimulant wise. She also told me flat out that "it was going to be very difficult to find something to actually work for my girls."

I have asked the teachers to keep me informed and today Jubilee was described as "defiant, not nice verbally, refusing to do what is asked of her, and yelling at the top of her lungs." I got a very similar report from the bus aide.

I am drained and exhausted. I feel like a faith weakling that has been kicked down and it's hard getting my scrappiness back. Really hard.

It is an enormous disappointment to have caught a glimpse of normalcy just to have it snatched away from you.

I know my God is faithful. I know somehow He will be glorified in all of this. I know He will work all things, yes even this, together for good. But right now, what I know and what I feel are not even in the same hemisphere of my brain. A real mental tug-o-war.

May He release His power upon me. Upon my girls. May the lies, that appear true, be hushed. May it not be what doctors or books say, but only what He says.

He has the power to do a miracle here. A real freaking miracle, but even if not, I will praise Him.

He will lift me up.
It's His job not mine.
If my worst fears come to pass, then God.
It's safe to be real with a real God.
I'm His girl. My daughters are His.
What is meant for evil He will turn it around for good!
This is His story.
To Him be the glory.

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