I have so much rolling around in my head as I start this post. I don't want to forget a single point. Something is happening inside of me. Fear is yielding to hope. True, pure straight from Jesus hope! And dare I say it excitement. As I mentioned in an earlier post I have started an online bible study called Autisms Hidden Blessings. All I can say is I have searched for a resource like this. One that approaches special needs from God's side of things. For me the diagnosis, doctors, and books that I have read on fetal alcohol syndrome have sucked the hope out of me and left me discouraged, fearful and despondent. I simply had to stop reading anything on F.A.S.
As I daily pray for my sweet chocolattes I have had to pray it's not what the others say Father God it's what you say. Somedays I really have been unmoveable in that stance and others I have hobbled and stumbled.
I have often thought what qualified me for this path in life. I have felt at times completely lacking and lost. So you try to find something, anything that makes sense. In my mind I would think this is for God's glory but sometimes my heart wrestled with even that, if I can be completely honest here. There were times when I battled thoughts of is God an egomaniac? I mean It's all about Him and everything is for His glory. Honestly there were times in my most difficult days with raising special needs children that the thought this is for his glory brought me little if any comfort. I have to say though because I didn't understand. Then right on time when my heart was ready to receive it. God spoke to me through a devotional by Max Lucado that softened my hardness and the truth set me free in this area. He explained it this way:
"Why does God broadcast himself? For the same reason the pilot of a lifeboat does. Think of it this way. You're floundering neck deep in dark, cold sea. Ship sinking. Life jacket deflating. Strength waning.
(I'm familiar with days like this aren't you?)
Through the inky night comes the voice of a lifeboat pilot. But you cannot see him. What do you want the driver of the life boat to do? Be quiet? Say Nothing? Stealth his way through the drowning passengers? By no means! You need volume! Amp it up buddy! In biblical jargon you want him to show his glory. You need to hear him say I am here. I am strong. I have room for you and I can save you!"
Here is the best part:
"Make no mistake. God has no ego problem (insert a mental picture of me wiping my brow in relief as I read this because I am not the only person in the world to wonder such a thing) He does not reveal His glory for His good. We need to witness it for ours."
From that day forward I never wrestled with God having an ego problem again. Instead I began to feel privileged that my life can be used to show His glory. I know there are other mama's/families out there and I have a feeling that the story God is writing in and through our struggles with special needs and otherwise are going to be used to rescue someone drowning. Somehow just knowing that, I can feel God's redeeming power for our family and others. Something that was meant to hurt my girls no longer has power. Because I know the one who is all powerful! Somehow the things that seemed to have gone wrong in our adoption journey seem very very right. God designed and purposeful. Miracles are in store.
I like this excerpt from my study:
"Only by submitting to God's plan do we create a place in our lives for miracles to occur. Yes miracles still happen today ~ they happen as God takes our greatest battles, surrendered to him, and blesses us through them. ...One kind of miracle is that he uses our trials and makes something wonderful with them."
Real beauty for ashes...
Fetal alcohol syndrome has been a real giant in our family. Through this study I have realized that this really isn't my giant to face. The battle truly is the Lord's. And you know what, God wins, so He can be glorified, so others can be rescued. I know dark days are still ahead. But it is my fervent prayer that when they come I will "not focus on the giant before me, Instead, focus on the God who is with me."
To God be the Glory!