Monday, October 22, 2012

I'm Down

Dear Ones:

I am down today. My hope-o-meter is low. After my last post about problems with the girls medications things have gone from bad to worse. They were literally awake for 48 hours coming off the other medication. Once we got to a new base line the Dr. wanted to try another stimulant medication even though I told her that with the other stimulants there was only bad side effects and results. She said there was nothing else to try non-stimulant wise. She also told me flat out that "it was going to be very difficult to find something to actually work for my girls."

I have asked the teachers to keep me informed and today Jubilee was described as "defiant, not nice verbally, refusing to do what is asked of her, and yelling at the top of her lungs." I got a very similar report from the bus aide.

I am drained and exhausted. I feel like a faith weakling that has been kicked down and it's hard getting my scrappiness back. Really hard.

It is an enormous disappointment to have caught a glimpse of normalcy just to have it snatched away from you.

I know my God is faithful. I know somehow He will be glorified in all of this. I know He will work all things, yes even this, together for good. But right now, what I know and what I feel are not even in the same hemisphere of my brain. A real mental tug-o-war.

May He release His power upon me. Upon my girls. May the lies, that appear true, be hushed. May it not be what doctors or books say, but only what He says.

He has the power to do a miracle here. A real freaking miracle, but even if not, I will praise Him.

He will lift me up.
It's His job not mine.
If my worst fears come to pass, then God.
It's safe to be real with a real God.
I'm His girl. My daughters are His.
What is meant for evil He will turn it around for good!
This is His story.
To Him be the glory.


  1. Michelle, you and I don't know each other, but I know Jolene Philo and was just visiting the page on her Web site where she lists her guest bloggers. I clicked on your Web site and have just read several of your most recent blog posts, ending with this one. My heart aches for you. I will be praying for you and your girls, the doctors, everyone on the team for their care. I will pray that God be glorified in this, and that you will also see rays of hope and light SOON. Praying that local support for you will be strong, since Internet is great but not the same thing. :)

    1. Hi Jocelyn I don't know how I missed your comment but thank you so much for taking the time to leave it. I just noticed it today and I am very thankful for your prayers. I hope you will be back again :)


"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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