Monday, August 6, 2012

Having a Hard Time Finding My Lenses

Dear Ones:

It has been a while since my last post. There has just been a lot going on. I am sure many of you can relate to unrelenting schedules. This post I am about to write is my least favorite kind of post. The kind where I don't have clear vision. Where a haze is all that is visible in every direction. I wrestle during these times if I should even write but I am compelled to because someone is out there, maybe not at this moment but maybe coming behind me that will be where I am at and they will need to know they are not alone. They will need to feel some sense of comradeship.

I am having a hard time finding my faith lenses. The struggles with the girls have been hard and many lately. To begin we had to make a school decision that was very hard to make. The christian pre-school we put them in, well... reality set in. Jubilee's behaviors were described as overwhelming. Our hearts completely sank as once again we were sitting in a meeting about our daughter and hearing the same things once again. Eric wasn't shocked. I think he prepared himself for reality better than my hopeful Mama's heart. We felt it was best to decide to go back to public school just for the safety that they can't decide her behaviors are too much at any point and they have to educate her. Everywhere she goes her cuteness fades, reality sets in and she becomes "that" kid. You know the one that is exhausting and frustrating and always has issues. Medications have brought no help at this point either. In fact the side effects are ones I am not willing to inflict upon my child.

Potty training remains a complete mystery. I do know how to potty train a child I mean I have successfully trained 4 boys in the past but I am completely stumped with these girls. Jubilee actually told me a little over a week ago after she had peed on the sidewalk, she proudly took my hand to show me the puddle then grinned ear to ear and said "look Mommy I pee pee in the potty." The dots just don't connect even if they say and sometimes do things that make you think they are connecting because the next day it will be like starting completely from scratch.

We just came back from a four day get away as a family and I feel like I was beat and left for dead. I can not even number the times we looked back to see the girls had once again unbuckled from their car seats and were loose as we were driving. The tantrums were also countless. I just kept my eyes to the ground and would not look anyone in the eyes who I knew were starring at this "inept parent" in front of them.

The big discouragement came when Jubilee decided to pull her, not a bit loose tooth out of her head. I had read about F.A.S children doing this before and now we are another statistic. These are just some of the numerous three and four year old challenges we daily face and I can not even let my mind think on what teenage challenges might be. The ones I have read about are terrifying.

Hidden disabilities are the worst. Your child looks "normal" can even say the right things but the actions don't line up or follow suit. Sometimes we feel like physical presentations of their disabilities would be easier and maybe others would be more tolerant or understanding.

My lenses right now are experiential. They are caked with the challenges and the behaviors. I am asking God to clear the debris. For light to shine in the darkness. For a renewed faith perspective and hope.

I once again pray these words over my girls:

"For I know the plans I have for you, Jubilee and Mercy, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

So even in my hardest struggles, in the deep pits,  in the dark...God is here.

15 comments:

  1. So sorry you're struggling, my friend. I KNOW that God is FAITHFUL. Keep your eyes on Him.

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    1. I know he is faithful too :) Thanks for stopping by and leaving some love.

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  2. I have so much respect for you. I can't help but think that our great heavenly father looks down on you with so much love, because you are raising the "unloveable". How tender His heart must be for you! We do a lot of breaking off of generational sins and curses in our inner healing ministry...I pray that your girls will be cleansed from the sins of their biological family, and be free to walk, live, move, breath, and rest, in the inheritance of the family that has chosen them as their own - a spiritual heritage from the Lord. Don't get down on yourself, Michelle, because even on your worst day, you're better than those of us who wouldn't even had said yes to this. Bless you, bless you, bless you!

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    1. made me cry...thanks for taking the time to write this all out :) It blessed me.

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  3. Jesus, please give Michelle a victory with the girls this week. I am not asking you to correct everything today, although I do ask for miraculous healing if you would allow it. Please Father, give Michelle a Hallelujah moment. God, please help her to see you through this haze. Please give her a glimpse of the miraculous that you have in store. Amen.

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  4. I can't possibly follow up on Dawn's comment, but please know that my heart cries out for you. I too have a son that has an invisible disability. He is not as severe as what you are struggling with, but there have been many times I have felt the stares of others as my son acts out of control. Even teachers get fed up with me as I helicopter parent him, but in order for him to function in a frustrating world I have to intervene when they don't feel it is necessary. Do what is right in your mama's heart. You know best, even when others tell you that you are wrong.

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  5. Michelle, you are beautiful. God has given Mercy & Jubilee such a steadfast, faithful, loving mama! They are blessed & you are making an impact on their lives. You are giving yourself every day for these precious lives. You are truly an inspiration. It is beautiful to see God's strength shining in your weakness, sweet sister.

    I tagged you in my most recent post! Check it out :)
    Blessings!
    Jen

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    1. Thank you Jen for your kind words and I will go check it out :)

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  6. I was re-reading this and thought about Jubilee going potty at my house last week. I was reminded of how it seems that - just when all candles feel completely blown out - and we cry out of despair and darkness, God does something, often seemingly tiny, but always just enough, to fan the flame of hope. His hope. Jubilee Hope.

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  7. Hi, Michelle: I am so sorry it took me so long to respond. I'm not too good at checking my email messages. Contact me at info@kellylangston.com.

    You know, it wil get better. Preschool years are very hard. Our church's preschool teacher took me to lunch and told me she couldn't handle Alec in her class. So, I know how that feels. We moved on to public school, too. Listen, our experience at Alec's (public) elementary school was really good! God lined up people for Alec, and he progressed a lot during those years.

    Matt and I met with the principal and teachers and asked them to please team up with us to educate our kid. Sometimes, we brought in an advocate, and that helped them know we were serious, but in time, we didn't need one anymore. In the end, they loved our son and we got many letter from teachers when he graduated fifth grade last year.

    Now that doesnt mean he was perfect! He wasn't! He had many tantrums in the beginning years, but they diminished as he got older. Even last year, I had to go to the school a few times to calm him down. But in the end, God met him at public school and provided for him there.

    You know, God promised to go with your kids where they go. Sometimes, we think God would surely prefer another route, but He is calling us to a path we don't expect. Sometimes that path seems hard. But if we refuse to give up, God will be faithful. Keep your eyes on Him, Michelle! He won't let you down.

    You are in the midst of your story....and it's going to be a good one. Any great story has major challenges. Yours will, too. But see it through. Lean on God. Breathe and rest. And never, ever forget to laugh.

    One time, Alec was obsessed with "peeing on a tree." We took a family hike down to a very populated waterfall in NC and I turned around, and there he was, peeing on a tree...in front of many people. Now, I can laugh about it. I'm sure at the time I was horrified as a mom. But now.... I can laugh. By the way, I didn't think Alec could be potty trained, but he teacher told me, "Oh, yes he can!" and basically, SHE potty trained him! Help comes in unexpected places.

    I love you, Michelle! You are a sister in experience. Hang in there!

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    1. Thank you Kelly for this.... I know you understand on so many levels. I am encouraged by your words and I thank you for taking the time to write them. I know I will re read them over and over again as needed. Blessings on you my sister in Christ :)

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  8. Hello Michelle!
    I nominated you for a Liebster Award!
    Check it out on my post!
    http://www.mustachemama.com/2012/08/they-like-methey-really-like-me.html
    XOXO
    Heidi @Mustache Mama

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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