I start this post today literally weeping. I have had some hard challenges lately. One with a friendship that has changed. Our relationship has drifted apart and I don't understand why and it has been painful to accept. Secondly I have been bombarded by the accuser. Being a mom is so hard sometimes and being a special needs mom is a whole new battle ground.
I have been lonely. I have been drained and I have been discouraged. One of our Pastors spoke on Sunday how when the accuser comes that it is not really about you. It is about God. He accuses to get your faith. Let me share with you some of the accusations he has put before me like a serving of rat poison disguised as a proper meal.
"Your not a good friend Michelle so that is why this friend doesn't want to do life with you. Your life is not relatable or too hard or messy. You are just too needy. "
Then there is the struggles with special needs parenting. Ones like, no I don't want to go to Target by myself because I know there will be behavior issues that will drain and embarrass me so its better to just not go anywhere. Play dates don't happen because my daughters with sensory processing disorders will be aggressive or lick other children or smother them. Going to soccer games is exhausting because my daughters unlike the other children I see at the games can't just sit on a blanket and watch big brother play. They can't be cautious and not run into the road even though they have been warned and told a thousand times. Every single meal is a battle. Every single night is restless. We don't have family close to us, so our support system is extremely limited with the girls.
Please hear me that I am just sharing what it is like. I am not wishing my precious chocolattes away. My heart would actually burst into a million shattered pieces beyond repair if they were not a part of our family. That is the truth. But still the accuser comes with his lies. Lies like:
"You signed up for a lifetime of desert living Michelle. You are on your own."
This morning I was able to call my best friend and just break down in tears with her. I truly love her for that. I can be gross before her but still she loves me. Then I spent some time starting a new Bible study I found online for special needs parents. The title is "Autism's Hidden Blessings." It is for any special need. I just replace autism with fetal alcohol syndrome. I honestly have just been able to get through the introduction so far and I have literally crumbled. Have you ever just been desperate for something. I've been desperate for help and hope with my girls. True hope. True hope only comes from God and Im telling you I've needed it like the desert needs the rain. As I limped before my heavenly father this morning I found tremendous comfort in this special needs mother's kinship. Then there was one tiny little sentence that gripped me that this mother wrote after describing one of her most challenging moments as a special needs mama. "God will help me." As I read it the dam broke. So simple I know, but profound. As I read it the lies were hushed. The truth poured in.
"Michelle you are the best friend you can be. Those who are with you now in the hard stuff, in the mess, in your need, are your true friends. That is true intimacy. Michelle you will not stay in the desert. The rain always comes. It is a journey. I am with you in Target, at the dinner table, at soccer games, when you are drained and weary. There is a harvest. The promised land awaits.
I am clinging to this verse today and to the promise that my God indeed will help me:
"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."Isaiah 58:11