I'm at a really odd place right now. I feel very fragile or weak. Maybe thats a good place to be. I just read this scripture:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
God has no greater canvas to work with then. I do want to share How he loved on me this past Sunday. It started with worship. Wouldn't you know one of the songs was "Blessed be your Name." The song from the end of my last post. And then One of my favorites. "Oh How He Loves." Then the whole sermon was on God's Love. Then to top it off some of the illustrations were about adoption. Needless to say I think God was trying to tell me something.
I've been so discouraged and lonely lately. Mad at circumstances. Soooo incredibly frustrated with things I can't control or change or figure out. Feeling like a failure as a Mom. Sad that a constant challenging part of my life is so foreign to practically everyone around me. Hating myself basically & thinking how could God love me when I am having such a hard time and reacting poorly none the less.
You know what, honestly adoption isn't anything like I imagined it would be. I thought my motherhood joy and love would just expand except it would include girls this time and they would simply be a different color. I imagined them falling right in line with our boys. That just hasn't been the case when dealing with little ones with brain damage. I'll be honest I have lost all confidence in myself. I am weak.
In my bible study this week there are some verses that will totally cause a person in a dark spot to wrestle. Here it is:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything." James 1:2-5
Beth Moore pointed out that to consider is a "mental exercise not an emotion" also that "left alone, trials are robbers or takers and they steal from you. In Christ they're commanded to give goods to us if we're ready to receive them." The testing of our faith produces perseverance ~ holding tight to Jesus.
So this is the question I am left with:
"What are you going to do with all your going through?" There is no other option but to turn to the one who is with me. I'm going to continue to do what the next verse says:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him." James 1:5
So, when I get another note home from school like the one I got today, that went on about Big Sisters defiance... then I am going to ask God.
When Mercy smears her feces all over the place, when the girls won't eat. When they won't potty train.When they are consistently disobedient, can't sleep, impulsive, embarrassing, and beyond my parenting skills I am just going to keep on asking him for wisdom. I am also going to keep on asking him to increase my faith and destroy my disbelief. Because as the next verses say:
"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he should receive anything from the Lord; He is a double minded man unstable in all he does." James 6-8
As Beth said so beautifully here "Faith receives more than it asks and doubt loses more than it disbelieves."
I'm going to be genuine along the way, but I believe somehow, someway my God is going to work all of this together for good. I am going to find treasure in the trial.
I know someone else who was adopted. Someone else who was a mess. Someone else who messed up too many times to even keep track of. Someone else in need of good parenting. That someone was me. I am so thankful for my heavenly fathers love. His pure, unconditional, faithful, agape love. That love that NEVER gives up on me even when I am not even likable. He adopted me. What does that mean? It means he chose me on purpose to be his child. Just like I choose my girls... I know that I know that these current trials are going to "morph into gifts."