This will probably be the most vulnerable post I have ever written. Recently I have been hit by a major faith wound. A wave of weariness has almost drowned me. I have felt so beaten that all that I am sure was visible was my white flag of surrender to the enemy.
I was hit so hard that I decided that is it. I am DONE! I will not fight anymore. I refused to pray. Yep I did. I know that probably sounds absurd but I did not want to hear forgive again. I didn't want to feel like the only one fighting so I made my mind up. I told God I was DONE!
Certainly not my finest hours over the past week. I have been in a major slump. So bad I could not even cry and for me that is BAD!
I finally read a devotional. I don't know what made me do it. Maybe someone was praying for me because I certainly was not praying for myself. The devotional came from Max Lucaodo's book Facing Your Giants. Which made me go back and read the chapter the segment came from. Here are some quotes:
"Slumps: are the petri dish for bad decisions, the incubator for wrong turns, the assembly line for regretful moves. How we handle our tough times stays with us for a long time."
That stopped me in my tracks because I had a whole slew of bad thoughts and decisions on my mind.
I know I need to stop "talking to myself and start talking to Christ again. I'll be honest it is a struggle. I am so hurt right now.
I am glad though that "God who is never downcast, never tires of my down days"
Here is the rest of the devotion that is too good not to share:
"Don't make the mistake of Florence Chadwick. In 1952 she attempted to swim the chilly ocean waters between Catalina Island and the California shore. She swam through foggy weather and choppy seas for fifteen hours. Her muscles began to cramp, and her resolve weakened. She begged to be taken out of the water, but her mother riding in a boat alongside, urged her to not give up. She kept trying but grew exhausted and stopped swimming. Aides lifted her out of the water and into theboat. They paddled a few more minutes, the mist broke, and she discovered the shore was less than a half mile away."All I could see was the fog." She explained at a news conference. "I think if I could have seen the shore I would have made it."
"Take a long look at the shore that awaits you. Don't be fooled by the fog of your slump. The finish may be only a few strokes away. God may be at this moment, lifting his hand to signal Gabriel to grab the trumpet. Angels may be assembling, saints gathering, demons trembling. Stay at it! Stay in the water. Stay in the race. Stay in the fight. Give grace, one more time. Be generous, one more time. Teach one more class, encourage one more soul. swim one more stroke.
So I'm going to pray again. I ask that you please pray for me because I feel like I have more struggle than strength. I have desperately wanted to quit. Please pray that I will see the shore...