I have been on a lifelong journey. A seeking journey. Recently, I have finally been catching a glimpse of what my heart has desperately sought over the years. It has made me extra weepy in the emotions department if you can believe that is even possible.
I'll do my best to explain. I've shared recently about my new dream of writing. As I have spent time in prayer and reflection I am simply overcome. I feel like this new dream really isn't new at all. The love affair with writing has been there all along. The encouragement in that direction has also been there. The problem was it was always laced with fear, doubt, insecurity and unbelief.
I can remember reading books on self discovery and there would be questions like "What are you good at?" I also remember my blood just boiling at that point because I always felt at a loss when it came to having an answer. I would always compare myself to others and end up feeling worthless.
My eyes have been opening up over the past few months. I have had some really supportive feedback and encouragement when it comes to things I have written. More than that I have realized how much I just enjoy the process. How I love to get my thoughts rolling and hope my fingers can keep up as I put the thoughts into words.
Lately, it's been like searching for a missing piece of a puzzle and then finding it and seeing the pieces all come together. For soooo long I have been trying to cram the wrong puzzle piece into the empty spot. Desperate to feel like a void has been filled. All the cramming just left me frustrated and beaten.
It has FINALLY become very evident to me that I am not a consultant. I am not a sales person. I am not a coach. Trying these things has been like fitting a square peg in a round hole. It never fit. I am a writer. It is part of the me I am meant to be. It always has been. God in his wonderful patience and love has helped me to acknowledge it. This realization has brought me such joy, excitement, passion and peace. Peace that passes all understanding.
Here is an excerpt from a devotional by one of my all time favorite Authors Max Lucado:
"As a young man I felt the call to preach, unsure if I was correct in my reading of God's will for me, I sought the counsel of a minister I admired. His counsel still rings true."Don't preach he said, unless you have to."As I pondered His words I found my answer."I have to." If I don't the fire will consume me."
If I don't write, the fire will consume me. I simply have to!
Will I ever have more than 51 followers of this blog? Will I ever have published work? Will I ever be a bona fide author? Those are questions that I can't answer. But won't it be cool to find out? Even if the answer is no to each question I am still a writer and I have sweet peace.