Good Morning Dear Ones:
Can I just start this post by saying how much I love my Jesus? His amazing love for me never ceases, and never fails.
Have you ever just been hit between the eyes when he speaks to you. I have to say I have. Last night was another one of those times for me.
I had gone to Bible study after a day I had spent wrestling weariness. And there He got me. One verse and I was nailed.
"Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time WE WILL reap a harvest. IF we do not give up. Galatians 6:9
The moment those words of truth were spoken I inwardly crumbled. As always I am going to be completely vulnerable here as I share. Raising two little girls with a permanent brain injury I sometimes feel like I am just spinning my wheels in the mud. Tons of therapy appointments, doctor appointments, and never ending parental consistency that rarely ever seems to pay off. I desperately look for books, something...anything... that will offer hope and I tell you every single book on FAS that I pick up I want to throw across the room, rip it to shreds, or burn the thing. Seriously. Why? Because even when they say they are about hope. They really don't offer it. So as a result fear creeps in. I see what is written and I see my circumstances and challenges and my faith weakens and I become weary. I become scared to believe God because in reality I am scared to be disappointed. That this is as good as it gets for them or even worse.
I think about the boys. I think about how they bring Eric and I so much satisfaction in who they are. Who they are becoming. They are just such incredible kids. We are encouraged all the time by people who have such wonderful things to say about them. One pastor recently said from the pulpit how much he loved our boys and I was instantly proud and instantly attacked. I wondered will people say things like that about our girls? Will they enjoy and love them just as much? I don't even know why that is such a concern for me. Maybe it is pride because my boys reflect well on me.
All I know right now is My God spoke and as always the truth of His word really brought me some freedom. You see, I fear there won't be a harvest with the girls sometimes. But His word says I will reap a harvest. I just need to not give up. The harvest may not be like exactly what I may expect it to look like. It may be turnips instead of corn. But what matters is there will be a harvest. God is in control. His plan is beautiful and perfect. I get to be a part of it. He chose me. Me to be their Mama. He must have a belief in me a confidence in me, a plan for me in all of this that is good and powerful and beautiful.
My girls and their needs are challenging and they cause discomfort, but what really matters is we love them. God loves them more than we do. I really think it is time to start believing again. Realizing that God gets to decide the miracles he performs and I have the privilege to be a part of it.
For now, I am changing my reading material. There is one book that always has HOPE!
On a side note from yesterdays post. A friend of mine that also has adopted 2 special needs girls found a crib tent for me yesterday and is shipping it to me today. Plus some door alarms. She gets it and she lovingly acted on it. How great is my God?