Saturday, September 3, 2011

Breakthroughs - Thanks Jesus and Elijah

Breakthrough - a significant and dramatic OVERCOMING of a perceived obstacle, allowing the completion of a process.

Oh Glory to God Dear Ones. I have had some breakthroughs and when they come along they must be shared and celebrated. Where to begin, where to begin? I think I will start with the MOST important! In my last post I shared some personal struggles I have battled in my mind. Some issues for many years.

Writing that post, confessing it in a way just really brought my heart to a place of freedom. I think it just opened the door and I was able to just let Jesus come in. I had so many lovely responses too and I am sure your sweet prayers have been a huge reason why I am writing the post I am writing today.

Last night I was able to have a nice long conversation with my oldest son Elijah. He is 15 and I TREASURE our relationship. I LOVE that we can communicate openly and honestly. We both were able to share our hearts and both came away stronger and closer.

It just kind of opened my eyes and heart. I think I have been blinded by circumstances and emotions. God just allowed my confessions and my conversation with Elijah to remind and ground me. I hope I can explain it and the magnitude of it. Out of all the issues I shared in my last post, none bothered me more than feeling like a bad Mom. Or feeling I had no gifts or talents to offer.
 As I sat in my living room last night with my son I realized something. I said to myself, "do you see what is happening here Michelle? You have a RELATIONSHIP with this young man. It is real and true and safe and genuine. You don't just talk about the weather. You talk about things that matter! You have this with your husband of 20 years. You have this with each of your children. You have GOOD relationship!"

It just flooded over me you know. I really am a good Mama. I have done a good job. God has rewarded me for all my hard work and effort. It made me feel silly about other things like makeup and physicality. I was right in the center of what really matters.

I'm not saying there isn't significance to what insecurities can do to you. Judging by the responses I got to my last post. I am certainly not alone. But what "REALLY" is important to me has began once again to seep back into my heart.

Relationship - the way in which two or more people are connected.

That is what matters. That is what counts. That is where my heart's passion is and where I am gifted. That is my PhD as one friend shared with me.

I do feel more comfortable with my makeup on than off. I do feel proud of myself for working out and eating right. I did just recently start a new business venture. But you know what... I have my focus back.

I think feeling bad about myself in so many areas caused me to lose my focus. I think the demands on my life left me in a constant state of saying to myself "I just need a break." and I felt incredible guilt for even feeling like that. What kind of mother are you that you need a break so bad? Well, even Jesus took a Sabbath and rested.

You see I am in a whole new realm of parenting as far as my girls are concerned. One I am sure God will do his work in me and I will be better for. But I am done feeling guilty or bad because things are different. With Him, I will learn. I will take the opportunity's for breaks when they come. I will pray for wisdom and support. Finally I will keep MY FOCUS - relationships.

I will never be perfect. I will mess up and need to seek forgiveness. I will always daily need my savior. But don't we all?  Isn't God so good? Praise Him for His love, mercy, grace and faithfulness!

Living Loved,

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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