Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Feeling The Pressure Today

Today is just one of those days. I am feeling run down. Discouraged. I am sorry if this blog has been reduced to my venting. It is what it is I guess. This vent is probably more hormonal than anything...at least it brings me a little comfort to chalk it up to that.

Baby's girls termination was final in December and we are still waiting to transfer to adoption. The more it drags out the more I think we won't finalize this year.

I read something recently that said God uses the waiting time as preparation and character development. As I look at the fact that in July it will be four years since we embarked on the adoption road my flesh just rises up. What the heck is wrong with me? I must have the worst possible character that is has to take this long. Then I think about preparation...it is kinda scary...you know. What the heck am I preparing for?

I had no idea what FAS would entail. After having 4 children without a permanent brain injury it is sometimes really difficult. One adoptive mother told me that I would have to look to my bio kids for any parental satisfaction. These girls are very impulsive, they don't learn easily . Also, we have been in speech therapy and occupational therapy for well over a year and progress is soooo slow and sometimes especially in the area of feeding I feel like we just take steps backwards.

I think I am just worn out with waiting and challenges at the moment. I hate myself for even feeling how I do. It does not mean for a second that I don't love these girls... with ALL of my heart, I do! I do! I do! I just want some encouragement that all we do matters. That it makes a difference.

Our church is starting a ministry for foster/adoptive families and I can say without a doubt that it is crucial. Especially in our case. We don't have the grandparents or family near by. When you have 6, it is one of the hardest things in the world to do is ask for help...you don't want to be a burden. So I am hoping this new ministry will lift that burden some. I also have a couple families we are getting to know that offered to provide some respite. I think we desperately need the time to recharge so we can be the best parents we can be.

I hope my heart is not mistaken to anyone who may read this... I would not give up my girls or having my 6 for anything. It just requires a lot and I am just feeling drained today. I am just going to cry out to my Jesus until he brings some refreshing.

So with that... I got my cry and feelings out....so on with the day.

2 comments:

  1. Hello my friend. I hear your heart and I totally understand about 'looking for assurance that what we're doing is helping on SOME small scale'. I have, too, birthed 4 healthy children but to have a child with special needs {even if temporarily} is very trying and draining. One thing that I have learned is this... I WILL NOT let the 'waiting' part of this journey TAKE FROM THE JOY that I have with my sweet Tiny Prince. I can all too easily get caught up with the visits and case workers and forget that God has given me the desire of my HEART in this sweet boy. I WILL NOT WASTE another minute wondering if he will stay forever. I will pour my heart and soul into him while he is here and trust God that HIS PLAN is PERFECT. XOXOXO
    P.S.- You are already farther along in the process than we are...be at PEACE!!! God IS IN CONTROL and HE IS FAITHFUL!!!! :)

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  2. Well...we have been parents of a child with FAS for 13 years now.

    FAS symptoms can rip apart any bit of patience one ever once had.

    FAS is sneaky. It "looks" like the kid has 'lazy' parents. It "looks" like the kid is a snot.

    FAS is mean because it affects the entire family as a whole unit...trying to wear the unit down, pit one against the other, etc.

    I despise FAS. I hate it's symptoms... lack of logic skills, lack of focus, delayed mental maturity, hyper-activity, inability to retain information, inability to understand the "cause and effect" idea, kills the person's self-confidence, and then all the "other" stuff.... pica, anomia, mental delays, eating disorders, muscular ticks ...

    I have no doubt you will fight this journey with a fierce force. With a might that comes from within.

    We have slowly torn down the wall of FAS in our oldest son (adopted from Russia) via neurofeedback (brain remapping) therapy, dietary changes, vitamin and mineral supplements (magnesium, 5htp, fish oils, B6, B12)...also physical exercise takes a bit of "FAS" 'out' of our Chase allowing him to focus better when needed.

    I'm always available to be a sounding board...I did NOT think Chase would EVER be able to control his FAS, that he was destined to a life without self-control, or using 'something' to make him 'feel' better (drugs, alcohol, relationships, food, work, etc)

    BUT .... Chase IS, at age 14, finding victory over FAS.

    When he does have his FAS symptoms reveal themselves 'extra' hard ... we say to him "This is an FAS symptom Chase. You can get control of it. Don't let FAS win." etc.

    I hope Chase's journey gives you some hope for your girls...

    Andrea

    PLEASE google 'neurofeedback therapy' ... it's truly an answer to prayer for kids with FAS..or ADHD, or delays, or trauma, etc.

    Hang on tight friend...you can do this...

    Andrea

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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