Today is just one of those days. I am feeling run down. Discouraged. I am sorry if this blog has been reduced to my venting. It is what it is I guess. This vent is probably more hormonal than anything...at least it brings me a little comfort to chalk it up to that.
Baby's girls termination was final in December and we are still waiting to transfer to adoption. The more it drags out the more I think we won't finalize this year.
I read something recently that said God uses the waiting time as preparation and character development. As I look at the fact that in July it will be four years since we embarked on the adoption road my flesh just rises up. What the heck is wrong with me? I must have the worst possible character that is has to take this long. Then I think about preparation...it is kinda scary...you know. What the heck am I preparing for?
I had no idea what FAS would entail. After having 4 children without a permanent brain injury it is sometimes really difficult. One adoptive mother told me that I would have to look to my bio kids for any parental satisfaction. These girls are very impulsive, they don't learn easily . Also, we have been in speech therapy and occupational therapy for well over a year and progress is soooo slow and sometimes especially in the area of feeding I feel like we just take steps backwards.
I think I am just worn out with waiting and challenges at the moment. I hate myself for even feeling how I do. It does not mean for a second that I don't love these girls... with ALL of my heart, I do! I do! I do! I just want some encouragement that all we do matters. That it makes a difference.
Our church is starting a ministry for foster/adoptive families and I can say without a doubt that it is crucial. Especially in our case. We don't have the grandparents or family near by. When you have 6, it is one of the hardest things in the world to do is ask for help...you don't want to be a burden. So I am hoping this new ministry will lift that burden some. I also have a couple families we are getting to know that offered to provide some respite. I think we desperately need the time to recharge so we can be the best parents we can be.
I hope my heart is not mistaken to anyone who may read this... I would not give up my girls or having my 6 for anything. It just requires a lot and I am just feeling drained today. I am just going to cry out to my Jesus until he brings some refreshing.
So with that... I got my cry and feelings out....so on with the day.