Can I just tell you that faith is hard. Maybe it is easier for some but I really struggle sometimes.
I spent a good chunk of yesterday wrestling in my mind and in tears. My husband had to go to court yesterday for a traffic ticket and when he came home and told me about his court fees I just lost it. Everything that had been boiling underneath erupted. Last week our computer hard drive crashed and this has been a expensive frustrating process in itself. My van sounds like a screeching bird as I drive down the road because apparently it needs some break work that is just going to have to wait. We are having a flood of case workers, casa workers, & lawyers visiting us with the upcoming court date and are constantly reminded that the girls we love as ours are not ours.
We have been surrendering our finances to the Lord and boy is our commitment being tested. I know we have critics out there who will say don't have six kids then. If that is your opinion I ask that you keep it between you and God.
I guess my biggest frustration right now is my knee jerk reaction. I want to be a woman of faith. I want to believe God. Sadly, I often feel like when the rubber meets the road I fall flat on my face and I get offended at His ways. Then I feel guilty and it is very easy to let the enemy demoralize me. I genuinely do not want my circumstances to rule over me, so this is the battle I am fighting.
Every morning for devotions this year I am reading stories of faith with my boys. It is number one on my A list of what I want for our family. To be unshakable in our faith. The story this morning was about a man with 6 kids during the Depression. He was a carpenter and was serving the Lord building crates to ship supplies to an orphanage in China. He realized after a day of service that his brand new glasses were missing. After a fruitless search he realized they were nailed shut in one of the crates and on their way to China. At this he became frustrated, telling God how unfair it was and reminding God of his faithful giving of time and money.
It came to be several months later that the orphanage director came to visit them at their church and while speaking he gave thanks to the church for what they had sent especially for the glasses. You see communist had swept through the orphanage and destroyed everything including his glasses, and there was no way to replace them. He was unable to see and also plagued with headaches. He had been in much prayer about this. Then the crates arrived and he saw the glasses. When he put them on it was as if they had been custom made for him. The ordinary carpenter realized then that the Master Carpenter had used him in an extraordinary way.
I loved this story because even though this man had wrestled with God he still got to see God's glory. That was encouraging to me. Once again I had to repent for my unbelief. Please pray for me Dear Ones. I long for my defeats to be infrequent visitations, not my victories. There is a bigger picture and I don't want to miss out.