Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Today I Have Peace

Dear Ones:

Yes today I have peace. I almost don't want to type the words or say them out loud. I guess for a few reasons. One, this is a peace that passes all understanding. I don't even know why it has come over me. I will be honest with you the past few weeks have been a downward spiral. A very low point for me. I will be honest nothing really has changed, not the circumstances, or the questions. So I do not understand why my soul and spirit are at rest today. Especially when less then 12 hours ago my heart was in anguish.

I have been seeking my Father. I have been in the word and in much prayer. I know many have come alongside our family with prayer and encouragement. For that I am truly grateful. It really is not good for man to be alone. So to those who stand with us & get down in the pit with us, I say thank you. Thank you for letting me be real with how extremely difficult this journey has been. I am sure I will need to again in the future. So I ask that you stay the course with us because it's not over yet.

A verse that I have been dwelling on lately is:

" There was NO HOPE that Abraham would have children. But Abraham BELIEVED GOD and CONTINUED HOPING and so HE BECAME the father of many nations. As God told him..."

I can relate that verse to myself as we continue to wait. I have put it to prayer:

Father God many times I have been WITHOUT HOPE, that we would adopt. I want to BELIEVE YOU and CONTINUE TO HOPE and SO BECOME an adoptive mother/family. As God told us...

You see we started this whole journey because WE BELIEVED GOD TOLD US that adoption would be part of our family. I won't lie and say I have never wondered as things went in a completely different direction then we set out on, did we miss it? Did we not hear right? I have been confused as to what exactly am I to believe God for at times.

Bear with me as I go off on a tangent for a little bit. Last week our family went to see the movie "The Blind Side"
We Absolutely LOVED it! I sat there thinking Father God this is my heart. Adoption is my heart. My husbands heart. My boys hearts. You see I have greatly struggled with the foster program. We have said from day 1 we never wanted to be foster parents but adoptive parents. I hope that does not sound harsh. It is just the truth. Fostering is not our hearts. I know some people have a heart to foster and I can not tell you how much I admire them. It is not one bit easy. Don't get me wrong. I know that the birth family is equally as precious to the Lord as our family. I know if birth mom is healed God will have done an amazing miracle. I do pray for her but it is such an emotional conflict at times. How do you pray not against her or yourself? I just have to pray for God's will. For what is best for these girls. God really only knows and I know he wants that more than I do. I do pray for birth mom to be healed and I do pray that the girls will be ours. Ultimately I pray that the father hold every heart involved and will bring about HIS plan for everyone. If my heart is wrong then I trust my father will correct it and if it is right then I look forward to one day being on the other side of all of this.

In a lot of ways this experience has crushed us but the Lord has been close to us. He really is closer than he has ever been. For that it has been worth it. Did I just say that? Yes every miserable moment has been worth it and I am sure every difficult moment ahead of us will be worth it and I don't just mean that if we get the girls. Either way it has been worth it.

So I will end this post with a verse and a story about adoption a friend of mine shared on facebook today:

"Make me hear sounds of joy and gladness, let the bones you crushed be happy again."
Psalm 51:8

Why Some* Christians Don't Adopt

Here’s why: It is difficult.

If you think it’s difficult…

  • filling out all the paperwork
  • talking to your family and friends about why you’re adopting
  • coming up with the cash for the adoption fees
  • waiting, hoping, and praying for a child
  • waiting for 7 days to see if the birth-parents are going to change their minds (for domestic adoptions in our state)
  • answering questions from strangers about your child
  • making sure you send pictures and letters to the birth-parents
  • answering questions from your child about adoption
  • answering questions from your child about his birth-parents

…it is.

Adoption is difficult. There are more reasons why adoption is difficult. But here’s one of the payoffs: it’s worth it. It’s worth it to look into my son’s eyes and my whole being rejoices, “My son!” It’s worth it to look into my daughter’s eyes and and think, “My precious baby girl!

And since when did we Christians think we were called by Christ to do only things that are easy? I’m not above this. I choose the easy path way too often.

But let us have this mind among us which is ours in Christ Jesus, who took the difficult road that we might be adopted into God’s family. He didn’t seek the path of least resistance. No, he carried a cross (and stumbled) down a path to a hill called Golgotha. He took the path that led to nails piercing through skin, muscles, tendons, and bones. He took the difficult way so that we who trust him could become his brothers and sisters and sons and daughters of God. The Father adopted us at the great cost of his son’s life.

Don’t let the difficulties of adoption keep you from adopting. Don’t adopt because it’s easy. It’s not. Adopt because it’s worth it.


Monday, November 30, 2009

The Latest...

Dear Ones:

Well last week we took baby girl hungry. Nothing changed. She still screamed and did not want to be fed by birth mom. Now we have to take baby girl to an attachment therapist with birth mom to see if the therapist can help them to bond. The visits are also staying at 2 hours. I really feel like I am in the trenches and it is incredibly difficult. I sometimes wish that adoption never came into my heart. I also sometimes feel that I have to be completely crushed for God to be glorified. Feeling very low right now.
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