Thursday, April 2, 2009

I Surrender (All To You)- I'm Getting There

Dear Ones:

I really feel like I am getting there. To the place of surrender. God is working in me. I am inching away from conditional trust to unconditional trust. Eventually I will trust my father PERIOD!  I will trust Him no matter what. That does not mean I will not have emotion or questions but it does means this:

(both quotes by Beth Moore)

" Our only steadfast defenses against life's CERTAIN UNCERTAINTY is UNCONDITIONAL TRUST in a SAVIOR who loves us more than His own life." 

"As hard as trusting can be, living with constant fear is harder."  AMEN!

Boy don't I know that. This has been a hard year and mostly due to conditional trust and constant fear. I have been so afraid that we may not have heard what we thought we had heard. I have been so afraid that Mercy would never be more than just a dream and that we would just end up looking like fools.

(more quotes from Beth)

"Our distrust of God tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get to us." "Our natural human defense is to grovel before God and to plead with Him not to let our fears happen. Our conditional trust not only makes us a target for enemy torment; it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before God instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. Those times when our fears become reality we feel devastated. We think God is unfaithful..."

Ouch! It has been painful to see this unconditional trust in my life. The enemy has had a hay day with me. I have begged and pleaded with God. I am though, starting to grasp that all I can really do is surrender. All I can do is trust that if my fears happen then:

If we did not hear from God about adoption then He will remove this desire from our hearts. I must say though that the desire has only intensified in all of us and as long as it is there we will press on.

If Mercy never comes home then God will heal our broken hearts.

If we look like fools, I hope we look like fools for Christ.

I really am embarking on as Beth says "the most critical breakthrough of faith I could ever experience. To let God bring me to a place where I trust him--- PERIOD! I am starting to taste victory! Honestly, as I type this fear tries to creep in. I think things like be careful what you tell people. Who knows what is around the corner? What test you might face? But just as much, I am also starting to feel like I have put down some heavy weights that I have carried for some time now. I am starting to see some courage, and I can assure you it is all God.

                   Please pause the playlist at the bottom and worship the father with me with this video. Prayers are being answered!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Awesome Men In Our Church...Thanks Guys!

Dear Ones:

Today was grandparents/special person day at school.
Our family, like many these days, does not live close to grandparents. I must say though that we have the most amazing church family that willingly stands in the gap.

As a mother of four sons, it is so special to me to have genuine men of God that invest in their lives. We were blessed by some of the finest today.
First, is Rodrigo and Elijah. Afterwards they spent some QT together and had some treats at Sonic. Gracias Rodrigo!
Next is Fritz and Noah. Followed by Charly and Zion. This dynamic father son duo blessed my guys with their presence and afterwards some treats at Ben and Jerry's. I am so touched that they took time off work and spent the afternoon with my guys.
Finally, my Canaan requested me to be his special person. That does a mothers heart good. We enjoyed some Frosty's on the way home.
Thanks again dear friends. You have shown the love and Jesus today and it has blessed some pretty awesome kids who I know will not soon forget!


Monday, March 30, 2009


Dear Ones:

Today I have been totally overcome. I can hardly stop my eyes from leaking. I will try my best to make sense of all that is just wanting to bust out of me right now. Every Monday morning at my house I have a bible study. We are doing Beth Moores study "Esther, It's Tough Being A Woman."

This morning was just so much that I feel so inadequate to even depict the effect it has had on me. I guess I will start with something Beth mentioned. A theme. Do you ever feel like God has a theme in your life? Well, if I were to say one for myself it would be a two fold theme right now.

  1. First, I would say that the Lord wants me to know He is good. I want me to know He is good.
  2. Second, I would say God is saying Do not be afraid."
Beth said something this morning that is at the crux of my struggle with number one. It was as follows:

 "We say God is good if he does what I say." 

You know how we want our circumstances to be. Self preservation. This is conditional faith. Conditional trust. Oh I am the worst offender in this situation. You know when things don't go right and you think to yourself. God how can you be good when you have allowed this or that to happen or not happen." Those times when God absolutely makes no sense to my little brain. I want to know God is good period! Not if this does or does not happen. God is good period!

The second part of the theme in my life right now totally ties in to the first one. Beth said this morning that the most frequent command in the bible is DO NOT BE AFRAID. Brave determination. Man do I have a battle with fear. I am afraid of what God will allow in my life.  Beth also mentioned a song by Casting Crowns Called "East to West." One of the lines in the song says this; "Today I feel like I am one mistake away of you leaving me this way." That line hit me hard. So often I feel that way. Like i'll be stuck like this. Stuck with my conditional faith and trust. Always afraid. How do I make the choice to overcome myself? So I can say in truth with courage:

And if___________ happens, then GOD

Meaning no matter what happens, even my worst fears, then God will take care of me. God will be faithful to me.

Oh precious Lord Jesus I so want to get this once and  for all. I want to TAKE COURAGE! I want to be brave and know you are with me in fearful situations. I want to refuse to obey my fears even though I am afraid even as I type this.

"Where God's love is there is no fear, because God's perfect love drives out fear."
1 John 4:18

Love me father and drive it out.

"God began doing a good work in you, and I am sure He will continue it until it is finished when Jesus Christ comes again."
Phil 1:6

This is my hope.

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