Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My Heart Just Sank...

Dear Ones:

I really really need you to pray for me right now. I just found out from our case worker that visitation is changing. You see we go every week and Baby girl literally screams her head off the entire hour. The case workers seem to think the problem is the complete and utter chaos in the room from all the other siblings so they have decided to change visitation for 2 hours so baby can visit alone with Mom for the first hour and then Big sister can visit with all the other siblings and Mom for the second hour and maintain a bond with everyone.

Needless to say I am not at all in a good space right now. I can't stop crying. I HATE this process!!!!!!!! I HATE the enormous risk we are taking!!!!!!! I am in so deep now though, I completely love these girls and I am really afraid I may have to trust God for an outcome I can hardly bare the thought of. If one more person tells me "well if they do leave at least you loved them and gave them a good start." I think I will lose it!

Visitation is literally the worst part of my week. Now for it to be 2 hours means I have to spend the first hour wrestling with Big Sister which is no easy task to say the least. She has made progress but still is extremely challenging.

Please pray...



10 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. I know how heartbreaking all of this can be, and I promise, I won't give you the ol' song and dance about "at least you loved them for a little while blah blah blah"- that always made me want to scream, too! My heart goes out to you today.

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  2. I am so sorry sweet friend. My heart aches for you. It is so hard to face the unknown and to risk great hurt. I pray you will feel God holding you close during these uncertain times. You are being lifted up! Love you!

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  3. I dreaded every single Tuesday morning- visit time. I know exactly how you feel.

    I wish I could say you get used to to or that it gets easier, but it really doesn't.

    Trust in the Lord. Know that he is using this to create perseverance and hope in you. You will learn to lean on your Father more and more.

    It is hard, but no matter the outcome, you will be blessed.

    Love your heart.

    Been there.

    Lifting you up in prayer.

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  4. I cried when I read that people are telling you "well at least if they do leave you have loved them!!!!" OH, HOW THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT GET IT!! I remember hearing those words from my OWN MIL and wanting to hurt her even though I loved her. I think most people who say that mean well but have NO CLUE and I SOOOOO understand and have been in your shoes as you know. When reading your blog I can literally feel myself going back in time.
    Let me say this regarding the 2 hr visits so baby can have alone time with bio mom (you are MOM)...I know it's HARD, makes you feel angry even but this could very well work FOR YOU. I'm stepping out saying this but it is very well possibly and probable that baby girl will STILL cry and show the case workers it goes deeper thus working in your favor. Keep us informed and let us know if this is really the key. CLEARY this baby has never bonded with the bio mom since you took her from the hospital and one hour visits once a week DOES NOT FORM A BOND...HELLO!!! Your daughter is not stupid....she knows who her mom is and WANTS HER MOM!! I'm praying for your family. Michelle...claim your blessing not the fear!!!!

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  5. Oh honey. My little one still cries when she goes back and she resides with her biofather for the most part now. She hates him and the judge still stands by his ruling that the biofather has more rights than us.
    Sounds like your SW is pushing hard for reunification.
    It is SO hard and SO unfair. I hate this process. And I agree...just love the "you loved her" crap.
    Sigh. I am so sorry. I so wish I could help. I really do.

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  6. I wish that I could give you a big hug:) We need a good cry together.

    This is such a hard system to adopt from and it will just keep bringing you to your knees in prayer over and over again.

    I am praying for you my friend:)

    Bless you...

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  7. Some encouraging news...
    One of my friends was set to lose her foster son yesterday, the CW said that yesterday was IT, she was going to tell the judge that the child should go back to Bmom (even though she is absoltuely HORRIBLE). Well, they all went to court, my friend was in tears, ready to lose, and the judge ordered a drug test for birthmom. Guess what? She failed. My friend not only got to keep her foster son, but now the CW said that she will suggest that the case plan be moved to adoption (!). The child is now 16 months old and we hope the next court date (in Dec) will change drastically, from reunification to adoption.
    So, it an't over till it's over.
    Hang in there, you NEVER know!!! :)

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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