That is how I FEEL this week. Like I am hanging on by a thread of hope. Do I BELIVE God is big and He can do anything. Absolutely 100% with out a doubt. I just don't know how he intends to do something BIG. You see I would love for it to be these girls are ours forever. That would be my idea of BIG. I honestly feel if these precious girls leave our home I will feel the grief of losing a child. I know healing the broken hearts our family would feel if that is the situation would certainly be BIG! Does God intent to heal birth mom and restore things that way? That certainly would be BIG! I just do not know. I know my flesh repels the thoughts of the latter two. Not the most spiritual way to think I know but I am just being transparent here.
Last Friday we started our 2 hour visitation and it went just like we thought it would. Baby girl screamed. Nothing was different. We talked with our case worker to see if 2 hours was really necessary since nothing changed. They brought her out to us 4 times to calm her down and then as soon as she was calm they would send her back in. The case worker seems to think we need to continue. My husband told her then we would not stay for the visit to be a human pacifier. He said we would be back to rescue her but he did not like what it said to baby girl that we would repeatedly send her back in there. Each time she came out it took longer and longer to settle her down. The case worker also said for us to work it out for Baby girl to come hungry so birth mom could feed her and bond with her. This is where my flesh gets really ugly. I hate that thought! She has never fed her or cared for her needs and I am selfish with this. I am really having a hard time surrendering this. I do not even know how to explain it.
I still really am having such a hard time. So I ask that you continue to pray for our family. I feel like a spiritual weakling right now because my flesh just feels so BIG right now.