I apologize for how boring my blog has been lately. If I still have some faithful followers I appreciate you sticking around. It is just since baby girl has come home there has been so many adjustments. Lack of sleep being the main one. She can sleep up to 9 hours but she somehow doesn't want to start until 2:30 am. We are working on it.
Another adjustment has been spiritual. I feel like this whole 2 year+ journey has been a long, hard spiritual adjustment. So many things deep down inside of me coming to the surface. I have started reading a book I have had for a while and like so many times before it is a little freaky how timely it is for this point and time in my life.
The book is "Believing God" by Beth Moore
I love reading her stuff because she is so relatable and never leaves me feeling condemned but at the same time brings a conviction that brings about change in my heart and life.
I am going to be pretty vulnerable here which I know is a risk but I hope it can be a blessing to some as so many who have been brave before me with their vulnerability have been such a blessing in my life.
I am going to quote beth and share my response. First the back of the book asks this question:
"Do you believe God - or merely believe in Him?
Tough question huh? Well it was for me at least. I can say that all my life I have believed in God. But believing him has been a HUGE struggle. At least when things don't go my way. This whole adoption process has brought that whole struggle to the forefront and I can not deny it or stuff it down any longer. It has been as Beth says " working hard at something that is hardly working." My present belief system as a christian isn't working. I have been "getting by" but "getting by was never our destiny, we are meant to be profoundly effective."
When it comes to faith I have "reversed the standard walking by sight and not by faith." I am "bone weary of inconsistency being my only constant." " I long for my defeats to be infrequent visitations not my victories." Oh can I get an Amen on that one? I'm tired, so tired of the wilderness. I am ready for my Promised Land. Lord Jesus please help my unbelief.
This next paragraph from the book was a perfect description of me:
"Our toughest battles will invariably concern matters of faith - times when were tempted to think God's word and His ways wont work for us, that he has abandoned us, let us down, or failed to come through for us." That pretty much sums up my entire thought process concerning our adoption. I have felt abandoned & let down by God and certain relationships. Waiting for God to come through for me. "Did God really say...?" has been a torturous thought.
When I look back over my life, this I must shamefully admit, has been a very natural way for me to respond to opposition. God must not be for me. I want to cry as I think about my feeble faith. That I am an example to my children and how I want a better belief system for them. I certainly don't understand why unbelief is such a struggle for me but this might have something to do with it:
"A big difference exists between trying to manipulate God to give us what we want and cooperating with God so he can give us what He wants."
Even more so is struggling to believe that what God wants is better.
Cooperation is my GOAL!
"Faith is always an exercise of the will, not the emotions." That is where I get knocked down over and over again. My stinking emotions. That is where I need the most prayer to be able to exercise my will over my emotions and what I see. I will be honest with you. That seems darn near impossible. But I am hoping. Hoping for God to do more than I can ask or think. Hoping for Him to complete a work he has begun in me. Hoping that nothing is impossible with Him.
I am starting a 40 day journey today. One that will involve 3 faith practices:
I will practice saying this 5 statement pledge daily
- God is who He says he is.
- God can do what he says he can do.
- I am who God says I am.
- I can do all things through Christ.
- Gods word is alive and active in me.
I will increase my personal level of sanctification by spending time each day in the word and prayer
I will keep a journal of GodSTOPS along the way. Ways God is making His presence or activity observable.
T - the
O - observable
P - presence
All while wearing something on my wrist to remind me of my commitment on this journey. I hope to emerge from this a new woman in Christ with a stronger faith, BELIEVING GOD!
Pray for me dear ones and let me know if you would like to join me.