Man I just gotta get this blog post out. Ever have that feeling? Also, I apologize in advance it could be a long one. I have spent the earlier part of the morning in tears. It has been a good cry with God. I have some clarity and some direction in my heart. I just hope I can clearly communicate all that is bustling around in my mind right now.
I have to tell you that I do not think there is anyone else who HATES uncertainty more than me. I am the plan girl. Just ask my husband. I like to start everyday with "what is the plan for today?" I like all the ducks in a row, an outline, clear specific directions, The A+B=C kinda gal....ok enough all ready I think you get the idea.
Well, on July 9th 2007, our family started down a very uncertain path. Mind you I had no idea just how uncertain it would be. Honestly, I will tell you, I thought it would be a matter of waiting but following a series of events and the timeframe would be the hardest part.
We started an international adoption in Guatemala. Soon after our dossier was turned in the country closed. It is still closed to new adoptions and many who had referrals are still waiting to bring their precious children home. We terminated our contract in December of 2008 because we just did not have the funds to continue and finally felt a peace to move forward. The discouraging part was we lost most of the money we put into Guatemala and were left with a pile of debt. I feel like I could have lived with this but just having debt and no daughter has at times been so hard to swallow. Domestic adoption proved to be way more expensive than we thought it was going to be and with nothing but debt we almost lost all hope that our Mercy would ever be a reality. A dear friend of ours told us about the foster/adopt program which had no fees but unfortunately also no guarantees. We feel like at this point it is our only option and are waiting for a call. This brings mixed emotions because just because we bring someone into our house doesn't mean this will be their home and that almost breaks me.
So there is the background on my uncertainty. Now onto the heart of this post. You know when you go through difficult times and you finally get to the point of OK God what am I supposed to get out of this? Well, I think I finally know what I am to get. I have mentioned it before in other posts but somehow it is clearer to me now. This is it:
God is good regardless!
Sounds simple right? Well, this has been an emotional battle I have been fighting for some time and at times it literally has felt like it was one I was doomed to lose.
I received a devotional in my e mail this morning that somehow made it click. Not that I feel like I am where I need to be just yet, but at least I understand where I need to go and it is a place I so DESIRE to go. I feel like it is essential.
There are "some things in life that are beyond our understanding this side of heaven." I realize our adoption experience is not a tragedy, and I have to accept I may never understand how it has all played out. I guess that is why it is called faith. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 Trusting God is not my comfort zone. I like to see, hear, feel, taste & touch. I like certainty.
This whole process has been a lesson in faith and trust. Like it said in my devotional this morning, I believe my greatest lesson in faith will be this:
God is good, all the time!
I have to give you this quote from this morning. "Faith by it's very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character must be proven trustworthy in our own minds." Oswald Chambers
That is it!!!!!!!!!! I want that!!!!!!!!! More than anything else I want that. I want God's character to be proven trustworthy in my own mind more than anything else! Regardless! Even during the most difficult circumstances of my life.
I will keep walking. I will keep yearning, I will keep seeking for both my daughter and my Heavenly Father. Please continue to pray for me dear ones. Sometimes I am so weak. I am counting on this:
"My grace is enough for you, when you are weak, my power is made perfect in you, so I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong." 2 Cor. 12:9&10
PS stay tuned for some special guest blog entries hopefully coming this week.