Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What I Desire To Be Certain Of In Uncertainty


Dear Ones:

Man I just gotta get this blog post out. Ever have that feeling? Also, I apologize in advance it could be a long one. I have spent the earlier part of the morning in tears. It has been a good cry with God. I have some clarity and some direction in my heart. I just hope I can clearly communicate all that is bustling around in my mind right now.

I have to tell you that I do not think there is anyone else who HATES uncertainty more than me. I am the plan girl. Just ask my husband. I like to start everyday with "what is the plan for today?" I like all the ducks in a row, an outline, clear specific directions, The A+B=C kinda gal....ok enough all ready I think you get the idea.

Well, on July 9th 2007, our family started down a very uncertain path. Mind you I had no idea just how uncertain it would be. Honestly, I will tell you, I thought it would be a matter of waiting but following a series of events and the timeframe would be the hardest part.

We started an international adoption in Guatemala. Soon after our dossier was turned in the country closed. It is still closed to new adoptions and many who had referrals are still waiting to bring their precious children home. We terminated our contract in December of 2008 because we just did not have the funds to continue and finally felt a peace to move forward. The discouraging part was we lost most of the money we put into Guatemala and were left with a pile of debt. I feel like I could have lived with this but just having debt and no daughter has at times been so hard to swallow. Domestic adoption proved to be way more expensive than we thought it was going to be and with nothing but debt we almost lost all hope that our Mercy would ever be a reality. A dear friend of ours told us about the foster/adopt program which had no fees but unfortunately also no guarantees. We feel like at this point it is our only option and are waiting for a call. This brings mixed emotions because just because we bring someone into our house doesn't mean this will be their home and that almost breaks me.

So there is the background on my uncertainty. Now onto the heart of this post. You know when you go through difficult times and you finally get to the point of OK God what am I supposed to get out of this? Well, I think I finally know what I am to get. I have mentioned it before in other posts but somehow it is clearer to me now. This is it:

God is good regardless!

Sounds simple right? Well, this has been an emotional battle I have been fighting for some time and at times it literally has felt like it was one I was doomed to lose. 

I received a devotional in my e mail this morning that somehow made it click. Not that I feel like I am where I need to be just yet, but at least I understand where I need to go and it is a place I so DESIRE to go. I feel like it is essential.

There are "some things in life that are beyond our understanding this side of heaven." I realize our adoption experience is not a tragedy, and I have to accept I may never understand how it has all played out. I guess that is why it is called faith. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 Trusting God is not my comfort zone. I like to see, hear, feel, taste & touch. I like certainty. 

This whole process has been a lesson in faith and trust. Like it said in my devotional this morning, I believe my greatest lesson in faith will be this:

God is good, all the time!

I have to give you this quote from this morning. "Faith by it's very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character must be proven trustworthy in our own minds." Oswald Chambers

That is it!!!!!!!!!! I want that!!!!!!!!! More than anything else I want that. I want God's character to be proven trustworthy in my own mind more than anything else! Regardless! Even during the most difficult circumstances of my life.

I will keep walking. I will keep yearning, I will keep seeking for both my daughter and my Heavenly Father. Please continue to pray for me dear ones. Sometimes I am so weak. I am counting on this:

"My grace is enough for you, when you are weak, my power is made perfect in you, so I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong." 2 Cor. 12:9&10

Blessings!

PS stay tuned for some special guest blog entries hopefully coming this week.

11 comments:

  1. I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I too have a hard time with faith. I understand faith and I desire faith, but it is so much harder to put faith into my daily struggles and decisions. I pray that God will help you to release the stress of uncertainty that you are able to wait on Him and His timing.

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  2. My prayers are with you sweetie! It can be so hard to let go and let God but it really is the only way. You seem to have a great outlook on it. Hang in there, your miracle is on it's way:)

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  3. I love reading about your journey. Your faith brings me such hope!

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  4. It's so hard when you think are you doing the right thing and then the plan changes. Sometimes things happen that we will never understand this side of Heaven. It is that trust in our Heavenly Father that allows us to move past it and move forward in His love and grace. Praying for you my sweet friend.

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  5. Well, I have two adopted brothers. My parents were just at that point of giving up when we got the call saying that had a little boy for us. Now our adoptions were 30 years ago, but still, I remember the emotional roller coaster. Ours were also from here in the states... But yes, we got that baby boy, and then 6 months later got a second call saying "Can you take one more?" UHhhhh, SURE! So we got two little boys (unrelated) within six months of each other. =0)

    All in God's perfect timing.

    Will pray for peace and patience for you as you await your Mercy!

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  6. I was a planner once--then God showed me who was really in charge of the details. Still trying to get used to the change. :)
    But it is amazing that through all the trials, I feel him walking right beside me, as I'm sure you do--praying for your answers to come!

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  7. This is so true Michelle. And just when you think you might have God's plans all figured out, you can be totally suprised. Just like my post on "refiners fire" (did you read that one?) So true. I'm praying for you.

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  8. Oh I so understand exactly what you said!

    My parents fostered and adopted my youngest sister. There is 27 years difference between us, but I love her like she was born to us. I also nanny for one of my son's teacher who has fostered and adopted 2 of her children, and she's working on 2 more. Some went home, but as you can see, some have stayed. The ones that came and left, left with a knowing that they were LOVED unconditionally, and she helped to form their beginning foundations in Christ Almighty. That's huge. Some are meant to come and go. But some are meant to stay.

    I'll be praying for you. I understand the longing for another child, but so much more the longing for that beautiful girl. This weeks iHeartfaces entry is MY beautiful girl I waited years for!

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  9. You can hold on to the fact that God is ALWAYS there regardless of if you can see him, feel him or touch him. He is in everything! In our tears and pain and also in our joy and laughter. I pray that you are able to feel him today! Love ya!

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  10. When we were waiting for our daughters, my faith was up and down and it was a real struggle for me. I remember one night, just crying out to God on my knees to help me understand the journey he had us on. The Lord gave me the verses in Hebrews chapter 11:11&12. It speaks of Abraham and Sarah and their great need for a child. Their decendants became as "numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore". That verse became my comfort and my strength while waiting. I don't think that I understood faith until I was on the journey of adoption. I was so broken by the journey and yet so thankful for the changes he brought to my life. God uses everything...Even our tears and prayers for children. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us...It is so encouraging.

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  11. oh michelle, i love you!!! isn't it amazing how god chooses to continue to speak to us whether we're strong, weak, feeling passionate, or feeling apathy.....i love how he loves us, and i love hearing specifically about how he loves you and is faithful to you....it encourages me to hold on and push forward....to seek him, seek him, seek him!
    i love you
    suzie :)

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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