Monday, April 20, 2009

I've been avoiding my blog


Dear Ones:

Yes it is true I have been avoiding my blog. I just haven't liked what I have been feeling and so I wasn't sure I wanted to share.

Last Thursday was our final class. We are now a certified foster family. I expected this occasion to have been more celebratory. What I have been avoiding is Eric and I left class that night with the wind sucked out of our sails. 

Our final class was a panel with a birth mother, CASA worker, social workers, a lawyer and an experienced foster family. They each shared their stories and then it was open for questions.

The birth mother shared her story of how she was formerly incarcerated and a heroine addict and her boys were in care for over two years. She had a strained relationship with her foster family who wanted to adopt her boys. Her boys still even call the foster family Mom and Dad. But last month the boys returned home.

Then the lawyer shared how our states number one goal is return home, number two a relative placement. How even if parental rights are terminated that a relative can show up at any time and petition for custody. The past percentages in our state for return home have been 25% which is making all involved work harder to up those numbers. Needless to say it puts adoption on the back burner. Our hearts were so heavy. A part of me almost just wanted to give up. We also felt very lonely because we feel like people are so sick of hearing about our "wait" and others are just flat out unsupportive. We needed someone to just cry on their shoulders. Instead we just talked and cried on the way home and continue to wait.

I honestly have been changing in my relationship with the Lord and in my trust of Him. So I felt disappointed in myself that discouragement crept in. I wondered do I just go home paint that room and go on with my life? Do I just start asking God to heal my broken heart now? I wish it were that easy. My heart is still longing for a daughter. For a little girl that needs a forever family.

Today we have our final home visit with our social worker where she will meet our amazing boys today. I'm just finding it difficult to know what to pray for. Please pray for me dear ones. 


18 comments:

  1. I'm feeling the same in EVERY way! You are in my prayers.

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  2. I cannot tell you how much I understand. We left our PS-MAPP classes feeling the exact same way.

    If God is calling you to this, there is a reason.

    Sometimes I still wonder if I want to do this- live in uncertainty for over a year and fear that MY SON will leave me.

    But, God has called me to this and so I try to believe that there is reason that is for my good and for my son's good.

    I'm praying for you!!

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  3. I'm praying for you sweet Michelle. I have no words, but I pray the Father will bring you comfort. Love you friend.

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  4. My family just had this exact conversation at dinner last night when someone asked why we didn't adopt from the US. I completely understand your desire for a little girl. Everyone's path to the child HE has planned for you is different. Stay in the Word and let the Holy Spirit be your guide. In many ways, it's a lot like IA...for all the sad stories, the are also soooo many happy endings. Don't give up your dream. You'll be in my prayers.

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  5. I don't think I've commented before, but I drop by now and then. I'm so sorry you are feeling so discouraged by the the last class...you're not the first I've heard express that. Sometimes I think they just want to give the worst case scenario and see who sticks around!
    I'm way farther down this road than you are, and I just wanted to let you know, it can happen for you, but it doesn't come easy. Just keep looking to the Lord for strength and guidance, and I've found some of the best shoulders are right here in blogland!

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  6. Philippians 4:13
    I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

    He has called you...He will be there to guide and hold you while you wait. I was told that our adoption was almost impossible and could take many years. I wanted to give up many times but God just kept whispering into my heart about the daughter who was waiting for us. This is a hard system to adopt out of and I have had your same feelings many times. (the other day in fact) Tears and adoption seem to go together for some reason. I am praying for you and your sweet daughter. I have great faith in what the Lord is doing!!!

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  7. I wish I could give you a great big hug! My heart goes out to you. Why does this have to be soooo hard? That is a great question, I only know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I had a few of my darkest days during our adoption, waiting and longing for God to move. I didn't have my blog at that time; but I did stop writing in my journal because I was "pretty ugly!!" God did woo me back to Him before we had any movement in our adoption. I wish I would have responded differently, but it is so hard when all you want is a morsel from Him~something to let you know you are on the right path and you get NOTHING! I don't have the answer as to why that happens, maybe it was just a test and I failed miserably? Or maybe it is something He wants to use in my life or for the benefit of others, I don't know, but I do know HE IS FAITHFUL and He will either give you Mercy in the form of a daughter or give you mercy in the form of healing and prayerfully He will give you both!!
    Hugs,
    Stacy

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  8. Michelle,
    Don't feel so discouraged. It can happen, return homes do happen, and we are in fact facing one ourselves, but God is in control and he is helping me beyond imagine. He too will use you and your wonderful family.

    Hey, I had to change my blog to be unlisted, because our state is finally cracking down on it, so if you want to be a "chosen reader" let me know. I would love to add you. Just send me your email address. Mine is mashelhall@comcast.net. And hang in there. God has your baby girl.

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  9. Dear Michelle,

    I came across your blog as I was reading another about a family who adopted from Ethiopia. My husband and I are adopting a baby boy and a baby girl from Ethiopia. One and a half years ago, the Lord brought a little boy into our lives from Guatemala. We all thought we would adopt him: family, friends, etc. Well, as it turned out, he did go back to his biological family. It was definitely difficult, however, we serve a Big God, and His ways definitely are not our ways, are they? I would have never, in a million years, dreamed, that we would adopt from Ethiopia, and two children at that. We have two children, ages 7 and 9. I was reading this morning in Numbers as God speaks to Moses about the unfaithful people and how they will not go into the promised land, but Caleb and Joshua will. I pray to be a Caleb or Joshua. But like you said, I just feel that my faith is lacking, and I want to "see". I guess that wouldn't be faith if I could see. Anyway, this verse came to me as I read your blog: Romans 3:3 What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all! I take comfort in knowing that even when I waver, God is faithful. As I'm listening to your background music, it says..."Turn your gaze to heaven, and raise, a joyous noise"

    Many blessings to you...don't give up. He is faithful.

    Angie

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  10. How do I respond to everyone. I am so thankful for everyone taking the time to encourage.

    -Laura may the Lord bring us both peace and amazing trust in Him.

    - Hope I so know you understand and I appreciate your prayers

    - Stephanie you are a safe place for me and I know you are praying. Such a comfort

    - Kim, this path certainly was not my plan. Guatemala was but here I am. I appreciate your tenderness and prayers.

    - Deborah I can glean from your experience. Thank you for taking the time to encourage.

    - Kathleen your comments are always sweet to my soul, thank you for being faithful to leave them

    - Stacy thank you for being vulnerable. It helps somehow to know you are not alone in your feelings and how you respond. I do believe the Lord will give me Mercy or mercy and I am hoping and praying for both.

    - Mashel you are an inspiration and I will e mail you about your blog.

    Ang - Thank you for taking the time to comment. This is way more of a faith thing than I ever imagined it would be. A good friend of mine was just telling me about Joshua and Caleb yesterday. Congratulations on your double blessing!

    You women are so precious to me. Deborah is right when she mentioned some of the best shoulders are in bloggy land. Thank you sincerely.

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  11. Oh Michelle.... I am so sorry.

    I so understand not knowing what God is doing. My faith has been rocked to my core through our adoption journey.

    I wish I had the words to encourage you. I honestly don't. But, please know I am here for you.

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  12. oh michelle i am so sorry....this is just heartbreaking. i wish i had words of wisdom for you...or a lead to your daughter. hugs.

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  13. I know this isnt the point but I really cant believe that in your classes they asked a mom to share. We never had that experience and I have to say I find that to be inappropriate. I would tell you to be supportive and show God to the birth parents and I know you will but for them to ask a mom to share is just not really appropriate. In our experience with foster kids the kids we know called the foster kids mom and dad instictively when they are young because that is what they are yearning for and desire....not because the foster parents are trying to turn them against the birth parents.
    I know I got completely off the "real" topic here but that just really bothered me.
    As a foster/adoptive mom I believe 100% that you have a child or children that are specifically placed by God to be in your home. I dont believe God randomly place foster kids or adoptive kids just here and there. Your child is being prepared and the situation is being prepared.
    I waited 10 yrs and felt forgotten but when God gave us our girls I knew his timing was perfect from A-Z. I CAN NOT WAIT TO MEET THE NEW ADDITION when the time is right :)

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  14. I am visiting your blog through another's blog, and have thoroughly enjoyed my visit :) We longed to adopt, and waited for years for the right timing and for God to show us the way. He has given us TWO blessings!! It was so comforting to read your comments, and know that I wasn't alone in this painful, lonely, sometimes frightening process. My 92 year old Grampa sternly told me at the beginning to keep my eyes on Jesus, not the storm, and I would be all right. I will pray for your precious little girl, Mercy. It will be a blessing to watch and see how God answers your prayers...We were just finishing the DFCS foster/adopt classes when God called us to adopt from Ghana. We thought there was no way we could afford it, but God has been so faithful, so amazing...
    We hope they will be home by Mother's Day..Keep the faith. Keep praying. You're NOT crazy. What I see in this blog is FAITH.

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  15. We were told to not even try for a baby during our foster care classes. We were told there was no way we would get one and were told to shoot for an older child 3 or up. We currently have 3 babies in our home and are on the verge of adopting two of them both of whom were our first two placements. One of them came to my home straight from the hospital. We still want more babies and believe that God will bless us with more.
    I have had my share of dark moments through this journey and expect more will come, but I love that God sees our hearts and beyond our humaness. He is proud of you.
    Take heart!
    Amy

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  16. Oh dear, am I ever praying for you right now. This is my first visit to your blog(via Crystal) & I have so enjoyed reading your posts. I have two nieces and fully understand how a little baby girl can CHANGE YOUR LIFE. My heart is different. I am a fuller person... and they are not even mine!

    Thoughts of you,
    Lacey

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  17. I am very thankful for everyone taking the time to leave a word of encouragement and for lifting up prayers for our family.

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  18. Do not get discouraged!!! That will only keep you from being productive today!! I spent days wasted on our 'when'. The unknown and impatience is what does me in! Thank the Lord that he did move fast once we were licensed. He gave us more than we asked for (as always). It can and will happen for you. Your boys are so cute, I have 3 boys.

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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