Yes it is true I have been avoiding my blog. I just haven't liked what I have been feeling and so I wasn't sure I wanted to share.
Last Thursday was our final class. We are now a certified foster family. I expected this occasion to have been more celebratory. What I have been avoiding is Eric and I left class that night with the wind sucked out of our sails.
Our final class was a panel with a birth mother, CASA worker, social workers, a lawyer and an experienced foster family. They each shared their stories and then it was open for questions.
The birth mother shared her story of how she was formerly incarcerated and a heroine addict and her boys were in care for over two years. She had a strained relationship with her foster family who wanted to adopt her boys. Her boys still even call the foster family Mom and Dad. But last month the boys returned home.
Then the lawyer shared how our states number one goal is return home, number two a relative placement. How even if parental rights are terminated that a relative can show up at any time and petition for custody. The past percentages in our state for return home have been 25% which is making all involved work harder to up those numbers. Needless to say it puts adoption on the back burner. Our hearts were so heavy. A part of me almost just wanted to give up. We also felt very lonely because we feel like people are so sick of hearing about our "wait" and others are just flat out unsupportive. We needed someone to just cry on their shoulders. Instead we just talked and cried on the way home and continue to wait.
I honestly have been changing in my relationship with the Lord and in my trust of Him. So I felt disappointed in myself that discouragement crept in. I wondered do I just go home paint that room and go on with my life? Do I just start asking God to heal my broken heart now? I wish it were that easy. My heart is still longing for a daughter. For a little girl that needs a forever family.
Today we have our final home visit with our social worker where she will meet our amazing boys today. I'm just finding it difficult to know what to pray for. Please pray for me dear ones.