Monday, March 23, 2009

Something Precious...Some Frustration...MMKM

Dear Ones:
I just had to share something precious with you. Canaan brought me this picture last night. He told me it was me and Mercy. He also told me to smell the picture because he did it with smelly markers. How adorable is that? I want to frame this picture, the first picture of my daughter and I, for her room or maybe even mine. I look forward to the day I can hold her close and smell her sweet baby smells.

Next, I want to share some frustration I am having this morning. This is a risk I know because when you talk about spiritual things opinions can vary greatly. I know I am not right so much of the time. I am not looking for correction. I know My Heavenly Father can take care of that. I could use some encouragement though. Something to spur me on in this race we all want to finish well. I got a devotional in my inbox this morning that I am having a love/hate relationship with. 

This devotional talked about the still, small voice of the Lord. Now I am familiar with this voice. I know there have been times when it has spoken clearly to me. Those indeed are marvelous times. But, I am wondering are there others out there like me when there is nothing but silence? When you are desperate even for a whisper? This is where the frustration comes in. Please bear with me, I hope to make sense of all of this swirling around in my mind.

The verse for today was one that has often times been a comfort to me.

"And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left." Isaiah 30:21

I like this version better:

"If you go the wrong way - to the right or to the left- you will hear a voice behind you saying This is the right way. You should go this way."

This verse has brought me comfort through our adoption process at times when I have thought we just had to have gone the wrong way.

The devotional talked about how Isaiah delivered this word to Israel in the worst of times. When they were under judgement, in absolute ruin with everything breaking down. They did not listen and decided they would turn to Egypt to deliver them. God then waited patiently until the bottom fell out of every plan. Sure enough everything failed and then God spoke to them He wanted to guide their every move and deliver them.

Here is where my frustration level intensifies. There are many voices in the world today... loud demanding voices. So why does His voice have to be still and small? Do you think that Israel scrambled because they just simply could not hear over the louder voices? Do you ever just want his voice to boom at you so there is no doubt or question? So you don't have to be completely broken and exhausted of everything of yourself to hear him speak and show  you the way? I am sure I don't have the best perspective about all of this and that is why I am really frustrated. I do want to hear him. I want to be confident in his voice and I don't want to be completely broken to finally hush all the other voices. I don't know what else to say right now really. Honestly I am a bit angry right now. So if you have any encouraging experiences to share I would love them.

Part 2 (some encouragement)
I wrote the first part of this post just before some ladies began to arrive at my house this morning for Bible study. We are going through "Esther It's tough being a woman" The lesson today was The Human Dilemma of Destiny. So the next part of this post is after bible study.

It talked about things such as poor timing, unreasonable expectation, being thrown a giant size weight, transparency (risky identification), unanswered questions. Some of the things I was able to take away from it all were things from my notes like this:

------It will often be crisis that God uses to pivot our direction
Somehow I found comfort in this. I never thought we would be in the foster to adopt program. It had been brought to our attention prior but I always dismissed it thinking I could not handle that. I could not handle the possible revolving door of children in and out of our hearts and home. But with everything that happened with Guatemala I have constantly wondered Lord is this punishment for a wrong direction or is it providence to get us to this direction? Literally that question burns in my mind. Losing all the money we did with Guatemala has brought me so much shame and guilt and has brought us to the point of going with no fees but no guarantees. How much peace it would bring me though to KNOW that this was part of the plan, part of the destiny to find Mercy.

------ Your destiny is greater than just your person. It will always involve a group of people in one way or another. Destiny appoints one but affects many.

I know this whole adoption process has involved our whole family, our friends, our prayer partners, and a little girl I have not even met yet. I know it is more than just my feelings in which I have to battle my mood more than I would like to admit to.

------ In destiny you can feel incredibly alone

I never expected this part of all of this. Support where you expected it to be that is not there can really be a hard struggle. It makes the moments when you find out your not alone and people are standing with you so much more sweet.

------One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny will be transparency

This is what I try to do with this blog. I know it can be a risk to do so. It has on many many occasions been very worth it. I have met and developed what I believe will be lifelong friendships. I have discovered true friends that stick with you even when being your friend is no fun at all. Those friends that don't offer advice and you know they are a safe place to fall. I have wrestled with God like never before in my life and even though I still feel frustrated and can get angry I still seek Him. I long to have a strong mind set that God is good. That no matter what circumstances dictate I want to believe He is good with every fiber of my being. That He will fulfill His destiny for me and somehow be glorified in my life and in all the lives my destiny affects.

To be continued...


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8 comments:

  1. I love reading your heart. You have a gift with words for sure.
    Being a foster/adopt mom myself and NOT looking for it myself I can say be completely open to Gods will. Sometimes we have a recipe we think will make things complete....let God decide. I know you will.
    I will say....I dont believe for one second God is punishing you for choices you made about Guatamala.
    I think his voice is quiet so it MAKES us be still and quiet in a crazy loud, chaotic world. We have all been there yelling...ARE YOU THERE LORD? He is though :)

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  2. I am so glad you took the time to post this and you should know how much you encourage me in my faith and my time with the Lord. (Did you know that you do that?) I also love how real you are on your blog. I am really trying to be better at that on mine...That small voice is hard for me too because I am a person who needs the whole picture up front before I can start with the plan. I am finding that is not how God works and I am always begging him for more information and wanting a full picture of what the next 6 months to a year will look like. His silence is hard and the waiting that comes with it is even more difficult. I just know that since last May, the Lord has been taking every bit of LOUD noise and distraction out of my life so that he can take that place. It has not been easy but I am thankful for the peace in my heart that he is bringing. Your adoption testimony will be huge and WHEN Mercy is in your arms, you will understand his plan...I am waiting with you. Ring phone ring!!


    Blessings,
    Kathleen

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  3. Hey Michelle! I just wanted to tell you that I think it is so awesome that you are being vulnerable. It helps me keep things in perspective and I admire how much you keep persevering even though things have been so hard to understand and feel confident about. I think it's so great that you guys have pushed ahead because you have been waiting periodically for that confirmation throughout this process and have continued to grow and to be open to whatever and however God wants this process to look like. You are doing a great job and your blog encouraged me to remember that God does answer prayers even in the same day! :) I know I have been there.... wondering if God would answer my prayers or give me confirmation on things. What you wrote made me stop and think about how much we forget that it is all about God and His glory and His plan rather than just us. But, at the same time, how cool it is that God still cares about us and that we have that great opportunity to have a purpose in Him. I am looking forward to the day you smell that baby girl smell too! :) Love you! Katie

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  4. Wow! How ironic that you posted this. This is the exact thing that I have been struggling with and praying about too. I too love that "you know it's the Lord, voice" and I often pray that God will lead me with a burning bush or a fire emblazened sign that says, "Amy come this way!". One thing I am learning is that often God is speaking to me in other ways and it isn't until later that I realize in looking back that I was hearing from God. One example is the day we got our first placement. The moment I laid eyes on that boy, I had the strongest feelings for him. It was so intense that I cried. It felt the same as when I had my own biological children. It wasn't until later when I was describing that to a friend that she said, "THAT"S NOT NORMAL." I began to realize that that was not a normal reaction and that the feelings came from God. This placement is one that I believe that God showed me from the begining was mine to raise. I just didn't recognize Him immediately. I'll bet you can look back and see the same in your life.
    I still struggle with the listening and knowing if it is God. I hope it encourages you to know that you aren't alone in this struggle. I appreciate your willingness to bare your soul in your struggles and your joys. I love to share both. Can't wait to see and hear your joy when you get to love on a new baby girl.
    In Him,
    Amy

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  5. Wow ladies,

    These have been some of my most favorite comments ever. Thank you for taking the time to post them and share your hearts. I am very grateful :)

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  6. Hey Michelle,
    First of all, I love the picture! It HAS to be framed and placed in the perfect place to be treasured.
    Now, my take on the "still small voice". I think we would all be a little less than honest if we didn't admit to questioning whether or not we heard God's message for us or just tuned in to our own hearts desires. Only each individual can answer that question in their own situation. For me, in our situation, I went through a time of questioning a few months back. Our journey has become unbelievably difficult for me and I questioned why, if this is what we were supposed to be doing, why did every door seem to be closing for us rather than opening to allow us to bring our little girl home. And you know what? I didn't get the answer to that question. I don't know why things happen the way they do. I do believe we have to be quiet and listening to hear God's message for us and once we hear and obey, God uses instances in our everyday existance to prepare our lives and our hearts for the plan He ultimately has for us. Unfortunately, sometimes that means we start down a road that may close for us, but that doesn't mean we misread the signals. It's part of our learning experience and ultimately, part of God's plan.
    Continue to be silent and listen, as I know you are. God's plan for your life will be made known when He knows the time is right.

    But I know..........that wait..
    ......is a killer!

    Love to you

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  7. I don't think I've been to your blog before...if I have, I know I haven't commented! There was so much in your post and you've had such great comments from people who know you...so I won't try to add anything...just wanted to let you know I'd stopped by...and I've been where you are...this too shall pass!

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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