I just had to share something precious with you. Canaan brought me this picture last night. He told me it was me and Mercy. He also told me to smell the picture because he did it with smelly markers. How adorable is that? I want to frame this picture, the first picture of my daughter and I, for her room or maybe even mine. I look forward to the day I can hold her close and smell her sweet baby smells.
Next, I want to share some frustration I am having this morning. This is a risk I know because when you talk about spiritual things opinions can vary greatly. I know I am not right so much of the time. I am not looking for correction. I know My Heavenly Father can take care of that. I could use some encouragement though. Something to spur me on in this race we all want to finish well. I got a devotional in my inbox this morning that I am having a love/hate relationship with.
This devotional talked about the still, small voice of the Lord. Now I am familiar with this voice. I know there have been times when it has spoken clearly to me. Those indeed are marvelous times. But, I am wondering are there others out there like me when there is nothing but silence? When you are desperate even for a whisper? This is where the frustration comes in. Please bear with me, I hope to make sense of all of this swirling around in my mind.
The verse for today was one that has often times been a comfort to me.
"And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left." Isaiah 30:21
I like this version better:
"If you go the wrong way - to the right or to the left- you will hear a voice behind you saying This is the right way. You should go this way."
This verse has brought me comfort through our adoption process at times when I have thought we just had to have gone the wrong way.
The devotional talked about how Isaiah delivered this word to Israel in the worst of times. When they were under judgement, in absolute ruin with everything breaking down. They did not listen and decided they would turn to Egypt to deliver them. God then waited patiently until the bottom fell out of every plan. Sure enough everything failed and then God spoke to them He wanted to guide their every move and deliver them.
Here is where my frustration level intensifies. There are many voices in the world today... loud demanding voices. So why does His voice have to be still and small? Do you think that Israel scrambled because they just simply could not hear over the louder voices? Do you ever just want his voice to boom at you so there is no doubt or question? So you don't have to be completely broken and exhausted of everything of yourself to hear him speak and show you the way? I am sure I don't have the best perspective about all of this and that is why I am really frustrated. I do want to hear him. I want to be confident in his voice and I don't want to be completely broken to finally hush all the other voices. I don't know what else to say right now really. Honestly I am a bit angry right now. So if you have any encouraging experiences to share I would love them.
Part 2 (some encouragement)
I wrote the first part of this post just before some ladies began to arrive at my house this morning for Bible study. We are going through "Esther It's tough being a woman" The lesson today was The Human Dilemma of Destiny. So the next part of this post is after bible study.
It talked about things such as poor timing, unreasonable expectation, being thrown a giant size weight, transparency (risky identification), unanswered questions. Some of the things I was able to take away from it all were things from my notes like this:
------It will often be crisis that God uses to pivot our direction
Somehow I found comfort in this. I never thought we would be in the foster to adopt program. It had been brought to our attention prior but I always dismissed it thinking I could not handle that. I could not handle the possible revolving door of children in and out of our hearts and home. But with everything that happened with Guatemala I have constantly wondered Lord is this punishment for a wrong direction or is it providence to get us to this direction? Literally that question burns in my mind. Losing all the money we did with Guatemala has brought me so much shame and guilt and has brought us to the point of going with no fees but no guarantees. How much peace it would bring me though to KNOW that this was part of the plan, part of the destiny to find Mercy.
------ Your destiny is greater than just your person. It will always involve a group of people in one way or another. Destiny appoints one but affects many.
I know this whole adoption process has involved our whole family, our friends, our prayer partners, and a little girl I have not even met yet. I know it is more than just my feelings in which I have to battle my mood more than I would like to admit to.
------ In destiny you can feel incredibly alone
I never expected this part of all of this. Support where you expected it to be that is not there can really be a hard struggle. It makes the moments when you find out your not alone and people are standing with you so much more sweet.
------One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny will be transparency
This is what I try to do with this blog. I know it can be a risk to do so. It has on many many occasions been very worth it. I have met and developed what I believe will be lifelong friendships. I have discovered true friends that stick with you even when being your friend is no fun at all. Those friends that don't offer advice and you know they are a safe place to fall. I have wrestled with God like never before in my life and even though I still feel frustrated and can get angry I still seek Him. I long to have a strong mind set that God is good. That no matter what circumstances dictate I want to believe He is good with every fiber of my being. That He will fulfill His destiny for me and somehow be glorified in my life and in all the lives my destiny affects.
To be continued...
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