Trying to not look back
Last night was part 2 of our foster-to-adopt training. I have to admit it was a struggle. Maybe if we had gone this route first it would not be so bad but after almost 2 years of hoping to find our daughter we are worn out. It is emotionally draining to hear about abuse and neglect of children. Again, my biggest struggle is foster-to-adopts number one goal is reunification. Adoption is not the number one goal. Sometimes I am genuinely hopeful and excited about the possibilities and other times I think "have we chosen to sign up for more heartache?" I tell my heavenly father I don't have it in me. I am terrified to bring a baby into our home, to love it for a year or so and to have the possibility to return that child. The risk is continuing to live in limbo, not knowing. Even more frightening is to give up. I know adoption is a calling for our family. I am sure that doesn't make sense to many but we can not escape it.
Another huge struggle for us right now is "looking back." As I sat in class last night I couldn't help but think, "sweet Jesus this is not what we wanted." "Why did Guatemala go so bad?" "I wish we did not lose the thousands of dollars we lost with Guatemala then this would not be an issue. I wonder if we are where we are at because of punishment for poor decisions or providence. I know this is a terrible way to think and I need to get my thoughts under control. The enemy really comes at you with psychological warfare doesn't he?
So dear ones, I continue to ask for your prayer support. There is always opposition.
On an encouraging note, for me at least, was something I heard at church Wednesday night. I will do my best to recount the details. Our missionary from Africa was speaking. He told of a pastor who went to speak in Africa and things did not go as "he planned". The minister was sitting in his hotel room sulking pretty much. Having a bad attitude. Well my ears perked up because unfortunately I can relate, to the sulking and the bad attitude (sigh). Forgive me Father. Well, as the story continues there was a knock at his door and when he opened the door a very excited man was there telling him there was something incredible for him. He finally told him downstairs in the car he had brought him a paralyzed man. The minister was not amused. He was like, really Lord. The man was brought up to his room for prayer. The minister was struggling with his mood still, but as soon as he laid his hands on the man he was HEALED! What an encouragement for me. God is God and when we are faithless he remains FAITHFUL amen! God is going to do what God is going to do.
Heavenly Father I ask you to heal my mindset. Help me to forget the past and look forward to what is ahead. It is so easy for it to get off track and think things are about me. Help me as I continue to wait for your plan and not mine. Help me to be obedient no matter what my mood is and to watch the hand of God do what you have in store to do. I love you Father. Amen.