Tuesday, June 17, 2008

God is speaking my language.

Dear Ones:
Well it is midnight and I have had some quiet time, and I now have a moment to make a post. Eric is out of town this week. We were unable to join him on his trip after all. When he is gone  my life is a lot busier, because my husband is an incredible help and support with our boys. So sorry I have not been around.
Well I have something transparent to share. I have REALLY been struggling lately. I have somewhat isolated myself from my friends, because I think everyone must just be sick of my emotional vomit. Please have grace with me I am going to try and make sense of all of this.
First of all has anyone ever tried to learn another language? I am just starting. My church is offering spanish lessons. I am excited about this because whenever we make it to Guatemala I just feel like it will help me bond with my little girl, and to communicate with those who have been caring for her until I am privileged to do so. It isn't easy mind you. It is just so unnatural. You really have to think, to try and communicate. I don't get a lot!
Well, that is how I have felt about God lately. Like He has been speaking spanish or something. I have felt lost and discouraged and lacking greatly in the understanding department.
On Sunday though I had some clarity. I understood. English rang in my ears loud and clear.
Don't you just love it when God speaks your language? It is not always easy to hear, but there is so much comfort in understanding. At least for me there is.
 The message included the story of Abraham and Issac. Isn't that a hard one to wrap your mind around? Why would God make an amazing promise, fulfill it and then ask Abraham to sacrifice his son? Even more amazing to me is that Abraham was willing, to do it. It would be a big "What you talking about Willis?" moment for me, that is putting it mildly to say the least. Well, it boils down to the fact that Abraham was obedient. God provided a lamb and was pleased with Abraham and blessed him. 
This is where it gets good. See God is to be feared. He is powerful and if He speaks we should obey. God should be first before anything else in our lives, no matter how good they are: even our precious gifts he has given us. My favorite part of the whole message was "God decides how he blesses us." That sentence alone was a little wounding but entirely freeing. You see, I have had in my mind that I have stepped out in faith in obedience to Him to adopt this little girl, whom my heart aches for.  Because of this I have also had in my mind how God should bless me. I don't want to have to wait. Money should fall out of the sky I guess. Boy has it been anything but that. We are still in postponement and WAITING for Guatemala to open back up. We are in debt up to our eyeballs trying to bring our sweet girl home. I have no idea when or how about most things. I DO know: I  heard His voice before. He did tell us to go and find her. No matter how crazy that appears to everyone else. I DO know I heard His voice again on Sunday through His servant saying " Michelle you need to fear me, I am powerful. Put me first again, the adoption has taken my place. Michelle you need to trust me, I am faithful, and Michelle you do not get to decide how I will bless you. That is my decision."
Well, I left church asking for forgiveness and feeling like I had put a very heavy weight down. My humanness really is annoying and embarrassing. Please pray for me to hold on to these truths. I have all ready been tempted to fall back into the pit I was in. Nevertheless, I am putting God back in His place and placing my trust in Him.
In fact, today we were blessed with an unexpected monetary gift in the mail to go towards our expenses. Thank you Jesus for speaking my language!

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