The following is my journal entry from this morning. It is very vulnerable so I ask for gentle responses. I also ask for continued prayer as this journey is more than an adoption journey. It is a learning and faith journey:
I have pride and fear. I have been so frustrated with having to depend on you Lord. I have wanted to be self sufficient and make things happen on my own. I have had so much fear that you will not come through for us. My grumblings have been eating up my faith. Father forgive me. I know my faith impacts my children's future, Elijah, Noah, Zion, Canaan, and Mercy.
Regardless of my circumstances Father I want to please you. I know I have failed you. Forgive me. I choose this day - every day to serve you. I want habitual fellowship not habitual failure. Please accomplish your will in my life, in my family's lives, in this adoption. Be my provider. Forgive and cleanse my heart. Open the eyes of my heart so I can recognize you at work Father.
"My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please... What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned that will I do."
Isaiah 10b & 11b
Father forgive me and increase my faith and trust in you. Please help my pride and my fear.