Tuesday, June 17, 2008

God is speaking my language.


Dear Ones:
Well it is midnight and I have had some quiet time, and I now have a moment to make a post. Eric is out of town this week. We were unable to join him on his trip after all. When he is gone  my life is a lot busier, because my husband is an incredible help and support with our boys. So sorry I have not been around.
Well I have something transparent to share. I have REALLY been struggling lately. I have somewhat isolated myself from my friends, because I think everyone must just be sick of my emotional vomit. Please have grace with me I am going to try and make sense of all of this.
First of all has anyone ever tried to learn another language? I am just starting. My church is offering spanish lessons. I am excited about this because whenever we make it to Guatemala I just feel like it will help me bond with my little girl, and to communicate with those who have been caring for her until I am privileged to do so. It isn't easy mind you. It is just so unnatural. You really have to think, to try and communicate. I don't get a lot!
Well, that is how I have felt about God lately. Like He has been speaking spanish or something. I have felt lost and discouraged and lacking greatly in the understanding department.
On Sunday though I had some clarity. I understood. English rang in my ears loud and clear.
Don't you just love it when God speaks your language? It is not always easy to hear, but there is so much comfort in understanding. At least for me there is.
 The message included the story of Abraham and Issac. Isn't that a hard one to wrap your mind around? Why would God make an amazing promise, fulfill it and then ask Abraham to sacrifice his son? Even more amazing to me is that Abraham was willing, to do it. It would be a big "What you talking about Willis?" moment for me, that is putting it mildly to say the least. Well, it boils down to the fact that Abraham was obedient. God provided a lamb and was pleased with Abraham and blessed him. 
This is where it gets good. See God is to be feared. He is powerful and if He speaks we should obey. God should be first before anything else in our lives, no matter how good they are: even our precious gifts he has given us. My favorite part of the whole message was "God decides how he blesses us." That sentence alone was a little wounding but entirely freeing. You see, I have had in my mind that I have stepped out in faith in obedience to Him to adopt this little girl, whom my heart aches for.  Because of this I have also had in my mind how God should bless me. I don't want to have to wait. Money should fall out of the sky I guess. Boy has it been anything but that. We are still in postponement and WAITING for Guatemala to open back up. We are in debt up to our eyeballs trying to bring our sweet girl home. I have no idea when or how about most things. I DO know: I  heard His voice before. He did tell us to go and find her. No matter how crazy that appears to everyone else. I DO know I heard His voice again on Sunday through His servant saying " Michelle you need to fear me, I am powerful. Put me first again, the adoption has taken my place. Michelle you need to trust me, I am faithful, and Michelle you do not get to decide how I will bless you. That is my decision."
Well, I left church asking for forgiveness and feeling like I had put a very heavy weight down. My humanness really is annoying and embarrassing. Please pray for me to hold on to these truths. I have all ready been tempted to fall back into the pit I was in. Nevertheless, I am putting God back in His place and placing my trust in Him.
In fact, today we were blessed with an unexpected monetary gift in the mail to go towards our expenses. Thank you Jesus for speaking my language!

18 comments:

  1. I will be praying for you for peace that passes all understanding as you wait for your little girl. We adopted our sweet Hannah Joy 2 years ago from China and there were days I would sit in her room, lean against her crib, and cry...longing to hold her and kiss her sweet face. I would stare at her empty room and try to imagine her there, playing. It was so difficult, so frustrating, so painful. But Joy DOES come in the morning and as soon as we finally got her picture it was like all the bumps and bruises just disappeared. When I held her for the very first time on February 13, 2006 I forgot everything else....there was only Hannah....my DAUGHTER!! I am so excited that you will be able to experience it...it's the best thing Pete and I have ever done in our lives...I CAN NOT wait to read about your journey to sweet Mercy!!

    Love, Kim P.
    www.journeytohannah.com

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  2. You are not alone! I think all of us on this journey go through periods of being "in the pit". Thankfully God extends His mighty hand & lifts us out when we are ready to trust Him. He will finish this good work He has begun!

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  3. Meesh,
    I loved this message! And all I have to say about your financial blessing is... BACON! :) I love you and am thankful for our time to reconnect on Monday. Let's not take forever next time (it's too hard to hear each other from pit to pit-he!)

    Kt Bug

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  4. First off, nice photo... makes me think of God shining right down thru the clouds.

    Second, sorry you guys didn't get to go with Eric. i know you were all looking forward to it. :-/

    And lastly, thanks for posting this... I think we all at times lose sight of who and what should be first in our life. God's always there, but he's waiting for us to stop making everything about us and to come back to Him. You guys always know that you're in our prayers thru this, and I pray that you're able to keep this newfound peace throughout this whole journey.

    Also good luck with that whole learning spanish thing.... it'll come in handy when you get to see your little montequilla cup.

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  5. Praying here too. I know those feelings all too well.

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  6. hi, i stumbled upon your blog from crystal's :)
    i see you are adopting a little girl from guatemala. also, i see that you have all boys:)
    i have a friend that just went through that process. she adopted a little girl from guatemala and has all boys. 4 to be exact and wanted a little girl very badly. you should check out her blog maybe she could help you out she is very sweet, a pastors wife:)
    if you go to my blog and then scroll down to blogs i visit and then click on the vanderzwagg family you'll find her. best of luck and remember that this too shall pass!

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  7. Wow your blog really hit me but I needed it. I realize that I have once again not been trusting God and just wanting it my way. I know God has blessed me thus far and he will choose when and how to bless me again and not in my timing. Thanks for the post

    Ronda

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  8. I get SO excited when God speaks my lang! I know more often he doesnt but what I find exciting but takes time is when something happens or sometimes "doesnt" happen...I cant figure it out. I even get angry over it but then months later, sometimes even longer than that God reveals BIG TIME and I am IN COMPLETE AWE at how he works. Often even protecting us when we dont know or see it.
    I could easily write a book on so many disappointements (BIG disappointments) that were unclear and broke my heart but then God not only made it clear in time but gave me MORE than I had asked for in the past.
    Our church also offers a spanish speaking class...We tried it for a bit and it was VERY hard for me! My husband took to it easily but I did not...so I totally get what you are saying there.
    I have a chalkboard I made hanging above my head right now that says...God never fails.
    Blessings friend!!

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  9. It brings me joy to see how God works, it is so humbleing. Your thoughts have brought me joy knowing that God is working and blessing in his most perfect timing. I will be praying and praising for you.

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  10. Oh I so appreciate everyones comments and encouragement and prayers. Thank you Thank you Thank you!

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  11. i think my problem is that i don't LISTEN in GOD'S language, not that He doesn't speak mine :) let's all make a park date sometime next week! what do you have going on during the days?

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  12. What a great post. Amen, amen, amen. I will pray that for you and that for me!
    smiles,
    jen in mi

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  13. Love you Michelle. Your transparency and authenticity are an exceptional blessing.

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  14. Thank you for sharing that. I can see the blessing in it, and how God was able to help you grow in Him, while you are waiting, how wonderful!

    I went through something similar with our recent adoption. Our agency turned on us, and I was sure we weren't getting a referral. I was angry, and ready to retaliate. But, God, in His grace and love, gently reminded me that He was in charge anyway, no matter what. So, I stepped back, and prayed, prayed a lot that He would bypass the people in our agency and bring our baby to us in His time. Well, we did get a referral a few months later, and shockingly, it was the same woman who was so hateful to us before that called! If I would have lashed out in my own strenth and anger, I know we would not have our child now.

    Bless you!!!

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  15. Hey Michelle,

    I just read your post...transparency is so crucial for us as believers, and it's through our transparency that the Lord can move so mightily in other people's hearts! Your post comments testify to that in the biggest way!

    I love the support you all have in this adoption blog system! It's AMAZING!

    I lived in the Abraham/Isaac verses for the months before we conceived Liliana. The Lord spoke just that word, "Obey Me". At the time it was to obey him NOT to get my tubal. I'm sure that is a bit hideous to think of with those adopting, but after 10 years hungering for a child and then the Lord heaping 4 BLESSINGS on us, Bill and I were not thinking we could do another pregnancy and child. But as I pressed into the Lord I knew He said to obey even though I couldn't see. And then came Liliana! WOW! Little precsious sunshine that she is! After she was born Bill and I had GREAT PEACE and release that she was our full house caboose, but those verses bring you to the place of ...will I obey or not?

    I'll call you guys on Monday am to set up a time for next week, ok? I told Jody we have a friend at Camp Alto Mons, director there, who said we could come any ole time, and do streams, woods, etc. picnic? Great space for all 12 of our kiddos!

    I love you, Michelle! Can't wait to give you a HUGE HUG!! = )

    Cheryl

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  16. Great post!! I know exactly where you are coming from!! I keep reminding myself that when I cannot hear God in my language, He must be speaking in His..the Love Language. Everything He does, He does because He loves us.
    Robin

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  17. Great post!! I know exactly where you are coming from!! I keep reminding myself that when I cannot hear God in my language, He must be speaking in His..the Love Language. Everything He does, He does because He loves us.
    Robin

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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