Sunday, April 20, 2008

I'm amazed, I'm afraid, I'm captive, I want to be free...I'TS NOT ABOUT ME!

Have you ever stood in the presence of greatness? Yesterday I did. My church had a women's conference yesterday that will affect me for the rest of my life. I pray it will also change my life. 

Our speaker was an amazing woman. The mother of nine beautiful children. This family suffered a horrible tragedy. In 2005 8 of the 9 children were in a house that literally exploded because of a gas problem. Six children were killed and 2 were left fighting for their lives.

Their story was just horrific and would be my absolute worst nightmare.
What was so amazing though was this woman  was obviously in love with her Lord and Savior and was convinced of His goodness.
In my mind I was thinking... How? I don't get it. How are you not like Job's wife and saying "just curse God and die"?
I was ashamed of the thought of "how I would be"
I have been angry at God for grossly far less.
Some other amazing things about this family: there was a short video piece shown of the children who were killed, and the Fathers thoughts. the Father said that after the tragedy they choose to not ask why. 
This is something I am horrible at in my life, concerning myself and others. Currently I have friends who are dealing with very difficult situations that I just don't understand. One friend battles chronic migraine headaches daily that totally disrupts his life. Another friend is paralyzed and on top of that battles one infection after another. Another friend recently found out discouraging news about her husbands health. Another friend has suffered through infertility. 
All these things cause me to ask why?
I have asked why many times with how our adoption process has gone.

Something else amazing this woman said was she always taught her children that in life "it is not about you." She told about being at their funeral and saying "God just raise them up." And then she envisioned the Lord and her children in heaven telling her "it's not about you." This hit me so hard. Because I think I make everything "about me." Why else do I get angry when God doesn't do things "my way?" I have been so susceptible to the enemy's lies all my life. For example: "If God is so good why does he allow this? Why does he seem silent? Why doesn't it seem like He cares? If he loved you things wouldn't be like this." You get the picture.

The speaker shared a section of scripture. Luke 4:16-21. The part that struck me was Jesus was sent to set the captives free. I want to be free from the enemies lies. I want to believe truth. I want to believe that God is good regardless of my circumstances. Now that last sentence is where fear comes in. If I want those things then what is God going to allow to happen to me? How will he test me? You know the saying "God does not give you more than you can handle?" I have often thought "God don't think so highly of me. I do not ever want to handle certain things."
I come away from all of this knowing I need to change. My tittle of this post sums it up pretty well. "I'm amazed, I'm afraid, I'm captive, I want to be free...IT"S NOT ABOUT ME!

Lord Jesus help me to know more the depth of your love and goodness. To truly believe and stand firm in my belief. Help me continue to learn how to trust. To know that it is not about me and to be truly OK with that. I'm scared. Forgive my unbelief. and set me free from lies, fear and doubt.


As always I welcome your comments and e mails. I love the encouragement.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear it, be reminded. It's so easy to let fear come in.

  2. Michelle,
    Thanks so much for posting on my blog. Don't know why it took me so long to see it! I am loving reading your posts, and I want to order some T-shirts! On my way to church right now, but I'll be back!
    Prayin' our way through!

    Pam L waiting for Nola


"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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