Sunday, March 30, 2008

Everything is in His hands...

This was the worship song we sang this morning at church that made me ball my eyes out. You see my hands have been full lately. Trusting God has been a major struggle for me. So I have held on to everything trying to figure it all out. An emotional panic so to speak. You see I have absolutely no idea how this whole adoption is going to play out. Let me explain myself, here are the burning "I don't know's" that run through my brain all the time: Where will the money come from because we just don't have it? Will we qualify for financial aid? Will Guatemala open back up? Will we have to switch countries? What am I good at that I could enjoy and get paid for but still be at home for my family????? That last question in and of itself has been ongoing and a heavy thing to hold. Then you have the fact that in a very short time my whole world will be changing. Canaan will be starting Kindergarten and I seriously can not dwell on that thought without falling apart. So I push it aside and think I will deal with that when I have to. 
The sad part about all of this is it has affected my main passion, which is my family. Eric has heard more crying than I am sure he cares to, all though he doesn't let on to that. He remains a constant source of support. My thoughts are so full with "figuring it all out" that I don't "think on my boys" like I should. This brings on much guilt. Guilt about my struggling trust. Guilt about what it does to my family. Guilt that I need so much encouragement. Then I doubt. Am I a good wife, mother, friend, person????
I say all this not for you to pity me, my life is very good I don't need pity, but that you will pray for me. Pray that I will grow closer to my heavenly father and that I can really trust him and truly place everything in His hands. Pray for Guatemala and my baby girl there. Pray for the funds. Pray that I am a help not a hinderance to my family. Pray that I get back to where I feel God's good pleasure...when I bless my family, for me nothing is sweeter! Pray that I empty my hands and put all this in His.

6 comments:

  1. You know I love you Michelle and we are always praying!! Everything IS in His hands and that is the gosh darned truth!!! I LOVE YOU!! and miss you too!!

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  2. I definitely know where you're coming from with the whole trust thing, as I deal with it in my situation too (when am I gonna get better?!?) But, it's all out of our hands... He's got everything under control. It may not be at the time we want it, but He'll never fail us.

    Never doubt yourself kid.... you're a wonderful mom, husband, and friend. Everything is gonna work out just fine.

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  3. uh...michelle is not a wonderful husband. sorry but she is a lousy husband...she is however and EXCELLENT wife...she just lacks the bits and pieces to make a good husband. :)

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  4. Praying for you. Do know you aren't alone. This experience will definitely draw you closer to Him. Sometimes I wonder if that in itself is the whole reason for us going through this.

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  5. LOL....Sonofa..... Y'all know what I meant. Sheesh... that's the last time I leave a comment at 5 in the morning....

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  6. For a minute there I thought I wrote that post!!!! Those questions sound VERY familiar!! How is the floor going? we had the SAME issue of rotted floor and replacing it, too-fun times.... Hang on to Him tightly and onto everything else loosely!

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"As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15

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